I never was very good at the limbo.

In school, I couldn't do the limbo very well. I don't think my back is very flexible. Yoga is helping, but it's still not supple. I'm also not very good at being IN limbo. I have no idea what my body is doing right now. Did I try to O on the bcp? Did the stims royally screw up my hormones? Will this take a long time to get out of? I am sick of waiting and wondering.

Today was not a good day for me. I have several online friends that I'm in buddy groups with and there have been a few new BFPs this week. Usually I am sooo excited for my friends and take it as proof that people do come out of this infertility thing with a pregnancy to celebrate. Today, all I could muster was a congratulations and poor attempt at geniune interest. All I could think of was how sad I am that it's not me. I broke down today and sobbed for a while. Not the little welling up of tears and sniffles, but honest-to-goodness sobbing. I think I've been holding that in since the IVF was cancelled. I wish I could say that it made me feel better.

Not-So-Wee-One had a playdate this afternoon and the mom also has a 6 mo old little girl along with the 3 yr old boy. She confided in me today that she's having a hard time and thinks she's got a touch of post-partum depression. I told her my story about how when NSWO was about 1-2 weeks old I had a lot of anxiety and couldn't eat or sleep. I started meds, but when the anxiety lifted after just 2 doses I stopped meds (they couldn't be working already so it couldn't be from them) but probably should have stayed on them longer. The dark clouds finally lifted months later and I've been mostly fine since. Talking to her today just brought back memories of how hard that time was. I was not myself back then, I was sad, cranky, generally unhappy. I didn't take much pleasure in being a mom for quite a while and I feel a bit of guilt about that to this day. For the first time since we started working on a second child, I wonder if maybe we should just count our blessing and move on as we are. I want to cry just typing that sentence, but I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of what IF is doing to me physically and emotionally. I want this whole thing to be over but don't want to give up yet. A tiny, itty-bitty part of me wants to go thru the IVF and not get pregnant so that I can say we gave it our all and it just didn't happen. Then maybe I can get on with my life - you know life - that thing that happens while you're busy making plans. But what would I do with my time and energy if I'm not invested in this infertility thing? I feel like I can't move on with my life until this chapter is closed. I know that 2 years + isn't all that long compared to a lot of gals in the trenches, and if I didn't already have NSWO I know I'd want to endure longer.

But the fact is, I DO have NSWO and I just don't know how much longer I can wait around for resolution. I think if I was able to actively cycle I would feel different, but yet again, I'm forced to wait and I'm SO OVER IT! I waited all of May to recover from the m/c, then June-July-August was occupied by stupid cysts and now I have to sit around for October and maybe November before I can get going again.

I never was very good at the limbo. Not then, and not now.

I've been tagged!

Thanks Gabby for giving me something less depressing to post. I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Looking forward to the break. Had a REALLY nice red wine last night (thank you Lisa and Lewis), got coffee with the MOMS Club this morning, and have been eating Hot Tamales for lunch. Oh, and the welt on my tummy is gone.

Ok, for the tagging, I'm supposed to write something about 4 words of Gabby's choosing. My four words are: consult, motivate, thirst, and scholars.

Consult: I'm debating whether or not to consult another RE practice before the IVF in November. I feel very well cared for at my current clinic, but I feel like I ought to at least do a phone consult with one of the out of town REs who specialize in treating patients with highFSH.

Motivate: I need to figure out a way to motivate myself to get some projects done around the house during my break. NSWO’s bathroom still has this dreadful bear border in it and I want to get that off and re-paint at least. With NSWO starting pre-school soon I should be able to do the messy stuff uninterrupted.

Thirst: I am looking forward to quenching my thirst at dinner tonight with a Diet Coke with full caffeine. Being on a break does have it’s perks.

Scholars: I wish there were a bunch of scholars out there working on treatment for highFSH instead of the ‘hurry up and do IVF before you run out of eggs’ option that seems to be the predominant course of action currently. I realize that TCM/acupuncture is another option, but it would be nice if REs had more tools to choose from too.

Now, who to tag? I know - Shannon & Kim. Kim is recently back to her blogging (yippee!) and Shannon has yet to post any sort of update to hers. Maybe this will get them going again. Your four words are: chocolate, carry, confirm, and crimson. Have fun.

Status report = not good

I'm just going to put it out there at the beginning. I'm scared to death that they're going to cancel my cycle. I'm trying to be non-chalant about it and crap, but I'm not doing such a great job of really believing myself yet.

Had b/w on Tuesday (day 3 of stims) and my E2 had only gone from 25 to 31.6. Not much of a climb. But, slow and steady wins the race, right? Today was u/s & b/w. The Three Amigos are still there and getting a bit bigger, but not too out of control yet (at least that's the impression I got from the RE). Not much else happening on the R ovary (and I had such high hopes!). The left one has a few follicles and he went ahead and measured 2 of them, both <10 still though. I think there were 4 in total on that side. E2 has climbed to 85 though, so I'm hoping that things are finally waking up in there. I've shot myself up with over $1,000.00 worth of drugs so far, you'd think they could at least give me a little love.

Waiting to hear the instructions for tonight, I assume stay on the same dose. Good news is that tonight is my last Repronex injection, after that I'll be splitting up my daily GonalF dose into 2 injections. I'll be happy to see the Repronex go. The first couple weren't so bad, but the last 2 have left nice red welts on my belly and man is it sore! Holy crap! I just checked on the welt from last night and it's about 2 in in diameter. Yowza! Gotta find a new place to shoot that one tonight.

Physically, this isn't so bad yet. Probably b/c the follies are still small. I'm a lot more tired than usual, but then again, I'm getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to drive 45min to the clinic for monitoring so I can get home before too late so Hubby can get to work.

Emotionally, it's not so easy. I'm not nearly as cranky as with the Clomid (Hubby might disagree) but I'm a lot more sad. Not for any 'reason', but I find myself just - sad. For example, today, as I was leaving yoga class I realized that with not-so-wee-one starting preschool next week that I won't be back to yoga until my friend and I work out the carpooling thing. The kids are going to need some time to adjust to school so it's likely to be at least 2 weeks before I can get back to yoga. This made me very sad that I wouldn't be able to be there. I've missed 2 weeks in the past while out of town, but for some reason, this seems harder. Gotta love hormones.

UPDATE: I'm officially cancelled. They feel that the cysts/follicles are all that's growing and it would be pointless to dump more drugs in at this point. Now we wait until I get a period close to November 1 so I can try again. Pardon me while I go cry for a while. The more rational me will have to come by later.

First day of stims down

I've officially started my stims. 450IU of Gonal-F in the mornings and 150IU of Repronex in the evenings. The Gonal-F pen is very simple to use. I hope that when I get pregnant and need insulin again in the 3rd trimester that it comes in a pen like that. The Repronex is fine, but does burn a bit.

One day down, about 7-10 more to go.

Un-FREAKING-believable!

Well, I had my cyst check this morning. Aptly named really. They checked on the status of my 3 cysts. Yes, you read correctly - 3. The first 2 (the ones we aspirated) are smaller so hopefully on their way out, but a 3rd has now popped up. Un-freaking-believable! Waiting on b/w to see if there is any hope of continuing with the IVF at this point. I'm thinking NOT. Looks like I'll be waiting until November due to the lab closure during October. I'm not even sure I want to continue with where we are right now. I think that if I started stims, I'd lose any hope of getting decent eggs on the R ovary (my better producer) b/c of the cysts and the L one might not get to grow much if the cysts soak up the drugs. Great way to start a weekend. I'll update once I get b/w info and instructions from the clinic.

UPDATE: I got my b/w back, E2 is down to 25 which is great! I get to start stims in the morning - FINALLY!!! Get this, due to my FSH, I'm starting out with 450 of GonalF in the am, and 150 of Repronex in the PM. This is my STARTING dose. eeek! I go in for b/w on Tuesday. I'm officially in my IVF cycle!!!! DS and I had ice cream to celebrate - shhh! don't tell my acupuncturist! :D

Cysts suck. Aspirating them surgically sucks more.

Today was my suppression check. I've been on 11 days of birth control pills and we were hoping that the 15mm cyst would be gone. This is the cyst that has been plaguing me for the past 3 cycles. Well, it wasn't gone and it had grown AND recruited a buddy. 2 cysts at 23mm & 28mm. Crap!

I ended up going back in this afternoon so they could aspirate them both. My husband is out of town as of this morning so I had to scramble a bit to find someone to watch not-so-wee-one and wasn't able to find anyone who could drive me there and back. That meant that I had to do the aspiration WITHOUT ANY SEDATION! Yuck! (and ouch!)

The procedure was in some ways as bad as I had imagined and in others not so bad. The u/s wand had this attachment on it to hold/guide the needle and that was the part that hurt like a MF-er as it scraped along the vaginal wall. I don't know if it was because my body released endorphins from that pain or what, but I didn't even feel the needle at all. The pain lasted for about 15 sec so all in all, it wasn't that bad. Labor will be much longer!! LOL I took 2 extra strength Tylenol before and haven't needed anything afterwards which surprises me.

TMI alert - they got about 1/4 cup of yellow liquid from the 2 cysts, let's hope that takes away their punch. It was funny actually, they put my legs in these cradle things that holds them from the knee down and strapped me in. The Dr asked me when he first came in if I was going to be mad at him and I told him if he's quick I'll only be mad for a few seconds. Later I joked that the straps on my legs were to keep me from kicking him. Deep breathing & visualizing Kaanapaali Beach on Maui got me thru it and luckily it wasn't that long. The embryologist afterwards complimented me on my ability to "cowboy up" to the pain which gave me a good chuckle.

The good news (besides the fact that the cyst twins are now drained) is that they decided to change my protocol from MDL Flare to Antagonist. They are worried that the MDL will get the cysts to fire up again, so I go in on Saturday to see if they are for sure gone and if so, I start stims right off on Sunday. Once a follicle is up to about 14mm, then I'll add Antagon to keep from ovulating before retrieval. I'm very happy about this change as I wanted to do an Antagonist protocol from the beginning, but they wanted to try the MDL first.

Oddly enough, my E2 level from today was 225. Makes me wonder if that 2nd cyst wasn't actually a follie. They didn't measure my LH, so we don't know if I was surging or not. I'm on cd12 which was my old 'normal' O day before starting meds. That would just be the kicker - I'm predicted to be a poor responder due to FSH and they didn't want the bcp to over-suppress me. It's possible that the bcp didn't suppress me at all and I tried to O while taking them. Could I BE anymore messed up? LOL If I was gearing up to O, I don't know if having done what is essentially an egg retrieval today will throw things off for starting stims on Sunday. I'm hoping not, but we'll see. I still have about 5-7 antrals on the left and 3-4 on the right, so I think we'll be in a good place. If/when this IVF works, they'll have to write up a paper on how all these setbacks could translate into a new protocol. Antagonist + bcp + cyst aspiration.

I'm feeling MUCH more positive about things now that the cyst(s) are drained and we are going with the protocol I wanted in the first place. I hope that translates into good results with the rest of the cycle. Goodness knows I'm due for something to go my way.

Finally, a celeb fesses up!

I read today that Marcia Cross (star of Desparate Housewives) is pregnant with her first child - at 44. I'm very happy for her and wish her all the best. I hope they work the pregnancy into the show, it's always awkward when they try to hide it.

The reason I find this news worth a blog entry is that she was , dare I say, brave enough to talk about the use of donor eggs. So many celebrities allow their publicists to spin their later-in-life pregnancies as nothing out of the ordinary, and I suppose that's their right. It is their life after all. But, I really do believe that these celebrities are doing the rest of us a huge disservice by not being more forthcoming with what steps it took to achieve those pregnancies. Unfortunately, a lot of young women see these older celebs getting pregnant and think that they too will have many more years to start a family. For some that will be true, but for the majority of women, getting pregnant after 35 or 40 is WAAAAY tougher than we think it will be when we're 25 or 30.

I applaud Marcia Cross for coming our of the infertility closet and hopefully starting a dialogue that will not end until women everywhere are more educated about their own fertility so that fewer of us have to suffer thru infertility needlessly.

Laughing too hard to be embarrassed

Background: Until about a week ago, I drove a Silver Honda Pilot. I recently traded in the 03 model at the end of a lease and bought an 06 model in a different color.

I was at Costco this weekend picking up a 6' folding table and some chairs for our neighborhood BBQ. I got everything loaded up onto one of the flat carts and carefully navigated my way thru the parking lot and headed to the car. Trying to keep from steering the unwieldy table into other people or cars, I pull out the key and press the button to unlock it. I get the cart to stop rolling at the back of the car and open up the back hatch - and there are golf clubs in the back of my car! We don't own golf clubs and I'm trying to figure out why my husband put someone's golf clubs in the back of my car when I hear a man's voice say, "Um, this is my car."

I look up to realize that I had opened up the back hatch on a silver Pilot. Remember, I no longer own a silver Pilot. I look to my right and THERE is my grey Pilot. Right next to some guys silver Pilot. I'm laughing while I apologize and explain to this nice man that I'm not trying to steal his car, that my new one is right next to it, that I just traded in the silver one and that I'm obviously still looking for a silver Pilot in parking lots. He seemed to understand, but probably just thought I was a strange woman. Heck, I'm not even blonde. (well, not on the outside anyway).


Almost done with birth control pills, looking forward to my suppression check on Thursday. Hoping to see that the cyst is gone. I'm trying to follow the TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) diet to reduce dampness to help the cyst go away. This means cutting out as much dairy, sweets, wheat, eggs as possible. Man, this is not an easy diet, but all worth it if the cyst is gone.


My best friend in the entire world is pregnant with monoamniotic identical twin girls. She's been in the hospital on bed rest for about 6-7 weeks now and tomorrow, Tuesday, September 5 is the big day. She will deliver the girls by scheduled c-section and Regan is going to be a MOMMY!!!!! Congratulations girlfriend, I'm unbelievably happy for you. You made it!

Ugh! What a pain

This is a non-infertility related post. Well, mostly.

So, now that the IVF is a go, I realized I REALLY need to get my hair done before we get too far into this cycle. I know it's technically ok to get your hair colored during pregnancy and I did it with not-so-wee-one, but I'd prefer not to get it done during the 1st trimester. (I did with my last pregnancy and it didn't end so well.) So, that means, assuming this IVF works, now is my last chance for 3-4 months! And boy do I need my roots done. I finally remember to call the salon to make my appointment while I'm not in bed trying to sleep or driving in the car . I even get my calendar out and ready and narrow down the best day to get it done. And then I get the bad news. My colorist is no longer at that salon! CRAP! She's friggin' moved to Long Beach, CA! I can't go that far to get my hair colored!

Ok, so if you're a guy reading this, you're probably wondering what all the fuss is about, but most ladies will understand that when you find someone who is really good at coloring your hair that you become very loyal to them and can't imagine going to someone else. You know - the kind of colorist that just 'knows' what will be good for your hair. All I had to do was go in and tell her what I liked from last time, if I wanted to go lighter or darker and she'd go mix colors. She was so good that I could go three months between foils before it was really necessary to get it done again. And considering how much her prices had gone up over the years, that's a significant savings to be able to wait that long.

I feel like I just got dumped on the phone by a long-term boyfriend. And the worst part is that now I have to find someone else. I got married, in part, because I don't ever want to have to be out in the dating world again. (In addition to how much I love my husband, of course.) I was so happy with my colorist and now she has left me. And without as much as a goodbye foil. Sniff, sniff...

The IVF is a go!

After nearly 7 months, 1 failed IUI, 1 surprise pregnancy, 1 crushing miscarriage, and one stubborn cyst - I am doing my IVF cycle!!!

Today was my cd2 (cycle day 2) monitoring. I have 10 antral follicles (beginnings of follicles) which is very good for someone with highFSH. I still have one stubborn cyst, but it's getting smaller and isn't producing estrogen. My E2 (estrogen) level is 40, my FSH is 16.9. The FSH has gone up a bit since it was last measured in January. I guess I have to stop fooling myself that I am somehow NOT in diminished ovarian reserve status. Today's FSH confirms that I am. How weird to be only 33 and running out of eggs.

Anyway, I'm going to focus on my antral count and hope that the bcp (birth control pills) do a good job of shrinking the cyst with out over-suppressing the ovaries. Only time will tell I guess.

"It wasn't meant to be."

I really hate that phrase. I was at acupuncture today and Lee and I were talking about my revelation about my cysts and how they are my body's way of keeping me from a possible IVF failure. She was saying to me that while it's scary, I really need to allow myself to sit with the thought of "what if it doesn't work?". In part of this discussion, she said it. If it doesn't work, then maybe "it wasn't meant to be". To her defense, she even hesitated when she said it, but still. I told her that I really hate that phrase because it makes it sound like my fate is pre-determined by some higher power (God?) and no matter what I do, the outcome is already decided. I'll say it again - I HATE THAT! I'd much rather think about coming to terms with the idea that 'it's just not going to happen' than 'wasn't meant to be'. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I'd like to think that I have a bit of a say in what happens in my life. I do think that everything happens for a reason, but that we still get to help determine our lives. Anyone else get rubbed the wrong way by that phrase?

Yoga momma

I've been doing Iyengar (ee-YEN-gar) style hatha yoga for several years now and it never fails to amaze me how challenging it is, even to this day. There are just some poses that are so tough, and it's different for different people. For example, I've always been able to do shoulder stand - Salamba Sarvangasana but there are some people in my class that are way more advanced than me and they still struggle with this one. That's what I love about yoga, it's not about how good you are, it's about how you are doing and feeling on that day.

Lately, I've been having some breakthroughs in class and it's been just great. I've gotten up into handstand - Adho Mukha Vrksasana for the first time ever and now I can get up by myself. Next step - kick up with the other foot first! Somehow, achieving this pose opened up my perspective of what I can or can't do. Just this week, I was able to do a forearm balance called Pincha Mayurasana and even though I've been able to do a headstand - Salamba Sirsasana for years up against the wall, I was able to take my heels off the wall for a few seconds at a time! What a rush! This is from someone who STILL can't do a cartwheel.

Yoga was very good for me yesterday. We did a lot of backbends Urdhva Dhanurasana, which in the yoga perspective brings a lot of emotions to the forefront. The back is your past, the front is your future, so anything that focuses on the back brings your past towards your future - therefore into your present. It was very cathartic for me to verbalize that my body/I needed to let go of these cysts and that it's my fear of the IVF not working and being officially done TTC that is keeping me from moving on. As long as the IVF is in front of me, I'm still officially TTC. I'm scared of failing and giving up on my dream of another child. God, what if it doesn't work?

Tying one on for Infertility

I ran across this blog post and thought I'd share the info.

The Common Thread Project

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.

Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

Cysts R Us

Last cycle, if you recall, I got stuck w/o an egg and developed a nice big 35mm cyst on my right ovary that we triggered so that my period would start and I could move on to my IVF cycle (the one I didn't do b/c I was pg in March). Well, AF ambushed me too early on vacation and I had to wait another cycle.

Fast forward to this cycle. I'm on cd31 and thought AF was late, I was even getting excited about maybe being pregnant again on my own (HA! I crack myself up!) and at my u/s today we discover yet ANOTHER big ol' cyst on my right ovary. This time it's only 30mm or so - at least we caught it early? This time, my estrogen level is only 41, but they still think the best way to go is to trigger it and wait for the hag to arrive (hopefully early again!!??!!) so I can get my IVF retrieval in before the lab closes in October for a month to ensure quality control.

So, anyone in the market for a cyst? We've got a blue-light special in aisle 9. I surely don't need them anymore.

Where IS that hag?

So, the acupuncturist felt the same 'maybe' pulse on Wednesday. I decided that as much as I didn't want to see a BFN again, the not knowing was harder. If I'm not pregnant, I just want to spend my energy on getting emotionally and mentally geared up for the IVF. So, I took a test, (Accuclear - which gave me the best faint pink line when my beta was only 6 with the last pregnancy) and it was, of course, BFN. Fine, I'm over that part I think. Except for the fact that I was getting excited about the possibility of NOT needing to do the IVF. But, whatever, I'm gearing up for a successful, predictable cycle.

If AF would just freaking show up already!!!

I'm 15dpo today and my 'usual' LP (luteal phase - 2nd half of my cycle) is 14 days, but I've had 15-16 day LPs, usually on the clomid. I tested one more time this morning, just to be sure, and still BFN, so I know the long LP isn't for the right reason. I'm not disparaging it though too much, I know there are lots of women who would love to have a too-long LP. But the thing is, I can't start my IVF until AF gets here. We're leaving for camping tomorrow and if AF shows tomorrow, I'll have to drive 2 hours to get back to the clinic for cd2 monitoring (ultrasound & bloodwork). It's not the worst thing, but still, it's an interruption to the camping weekend and it would be nice if my stupid body would cooperate once in a while.

Anyone hosting the old hag who wants to send her my way ASAP? I'd be really grateful. Man, that's just weird, asking for a visit from the Red-Headed Witch.

They just don't get it, then again, how could they?

A few months ago, a writer from Glamour magazine posted on one of the message boards I post on asking for women who would be willing to be interviewed for a piece she was writing on infertility and how coverage of celeb pregnancies affects them. I corresponded with Lynn Harris a bit and this week, her article was published.

Well, the comments are starting to come in and one particular comment just couldn't be let go. I just had to respond. You can read all of the comments here.

The comment post that chapped my hide said:

This article got me a little fired up. I understand the difficulty of infertility, but only through the experiences of friends and family members. But this article was absolutey ridiculous. What has our culture come to if women are mad at a pop star for "getting two" babies "when I don't even get one?" Yeah, place the blame on Britany Spears. I'm fortunate to have my son, but the struggles I've faced are just as comparable to the infertile women. I'm a single mom, so I don't go running around blaming celebrities and getting upset that others are married. If Angelina, Britany, and Katie's lives are so worth documenting, then copy them in another way...ADOPT! I'm getting so sick of women acting disabled by not getting pregnant. It doesn't define you, motherhood does. Motherhood can be achieved in other ways. I don't sit here a stew over the fact that I couldn't afford designer maternity clothes or a designer stroller, I was concerned about my child's health and his possibility of having Cerebral Palsey. I still can't believe there was an entire article devoted to celebrity pregnancies. The underlying message of infertility was way more important and should've been addressed in a different way. This seriously just angered me.

What about the percentage of my "type" in our society. The single moms...those who struggle to buy formula, those who haven't seen their friends in weeks, those who haven't slept in weeks, those who think that getting married now can be as hard to obtain as enough money to fly our children all over the world like Angelina. Us single moms don't get these types of articles published where we can vent our frustrations out on others. We all face hard struggles in life, we are all dealt a pretty bad hand at some point. But don't use celebrities and your friends with babies as ammo to fire when you're mad that you can't concieve. Embrace your friends with children and don't buy the magazine with the words "Bump Watch." If anything, look into adopting if Angelina's life seems so fabulous to you.

Here's what I posted in reply:

To the person who posted about how ridiculous this article is, I want to say this. I hope you never have to deal with the struggle of infertility. I am one of the women whom Lynn interviewed for this article and you really just don't get it.

No one said that being pregnant is the ONLY way to become a mother and I know lots of women who have decided to adopt whether or not they ever struggled with infertility. Just because there are children available for adoption doesn't mean that women should be required to choose that path when getting pregnant isn't easy for them.

And no one 'blamed' Britney Spears for having two, they simply expressed their frustration at the fact that she seemingly easily conceived and they did not.

I'm sure your struggles as a single-mom are tough. My sister is a single mother so I've witnessed some of it thru her. I do not pretend to be able to compare my struggles with hers or yours the way you seem to think you can compare your life to that of an infertile woman.
You say you "can't believe there was an entire article devoted to celebrity pregnancies". Have you SEEN the magazines on the newsstands lately? There are practically entire publications devoted to which celebrity is pregnant and who is trying to be. That's the point of this article - that when you are struggling to get pregnant, being constantly reminded about it at the newsstand is hard.

As to the percentage of your type in society, I wouldn't know about that as I haven't experienced it. Perhaps you should send a helpful email to Glamour magazine asking them to feature articles about single mothers? That seems much more fruitful than bashing this article.
My personal opinion is that the most valuable information in this piece is the fact that the focus on celebrity pregnancies gives a false illusion to many women. Younger women who are not yet ready for children look at a lot of celebrity moms and think that they waited into their late 30's and 40's to have a baby and they were able to get pregnant, it's ok for me to wait too. That may be the case, but often those celebrities used donor eggs or other expensive infertility treatments to achieve those pregnancies. The celebrities may not want everyone out there so deep in their business and that's their right, but they could do a real service to others if they chose to talk about it.

If this article spurs one woman to not wait too long and saves her from the struggle of infertility, then I say it was worth every page it was printed on.

Good luck to you and your struggle as a single-mom. I hope that you are able to find support where and when you need it.

So, what do you think?

Summer colds - ACHOO!

So, NSWO (not-so-wee-one) is really getting good at sharing these days. I'm so proud of him, but unfortunately, his sharing has also included a nasty cold virus. Thanks sweetie. I'm so congested right now, but don't want to take anything for it, just in case. You know how that goes right? This happened with my pregnancy with NSWO too. I distinctly remember w/in days of the BFP, I got a nasty cold because I remember commenting to co-workers that now that I couldn't take any of the 'good' cold meds, it was just my luck to get a nasty cold.

On another front, NSWO is doing an amazing job at potty-training. Everyone told me that if you wait until they're truly ready that it will be easy. So far, it appears that's absolutely true in my case. We've only been at this for less than a week, but he hasn't had an accident since Saturday afternoon when he fell asleep in the car on the way to the baseball game. He's even had a dry diaper for the last two mornings!! I'm not counting my chickens yet, but I'm tallying up the eggs.

Waiting sucks - hard

I'm in my 2ww (2 week wait) for my last break cycle before doing IVF. Today is 9dpo (days post ovulation) and my usual luteal phase (2nd half of my cycle) is about 14 days on unmedicated cycles. So, that means I have about a week more before AF should be here or is officially late. By far, the hardest part of the 2ww. You start looking for symptoms of pg or AF's arrival. You check the toilet paper for red. You wonder if it's too early to POAS.

This time it's just a little bit harder. Why? Well, let me step back for a moment and explain a little bit more. I've been seeing an acupuncturist for about 7 months now to help with this whole IF deal. In the TCM (traditional chinese medicine) world, a diagnosis is made partly by feeling the patient's pulses. Not in the western sense, but 3 levels of pulses. The quality of the pulses tells the practioner what is going on with the patient and helps her to understand where the needles need to be placed to bring the patient into a more balanced state. When a patient is pregnant, the pulse takes on a 'slippery' feel to it. When I was pregnant in March, my acupuncturist confirmed that my pulse was "very slippery". In the hellish week between ultrasounds when we were waiting to see if the weak heartbeat we'd seen had improved or was gone (it was gone) she didn't find my pulse to be quite as slippery, although she didn't come right out and say that, bless her.

Ok, fast forward to this week. I went in on Wednesday for my weekly treatment. A few hours before the appointment, I had this thought sort of pop into my head that I should see if she can feel a slippery pulse. No good reason to suspect anything really, but the thought was there, so I honored my 'inner voice' and asked. I think I was wanting her to say that the pulse wasn't slippery so I could relax for the rest of my 2ww, expecting AF and gearing up emotionally for the IVF. What happened was that she felt something, but not clearly slippery. She said it could go either way, but that "something was happening in there". Since the needle placement she was going to do would not be a good idea if I was pg, she tried to see if she could make it more clear by placing a few needles to bring up my Kidney pulse a bit. It was still unclear a bit so to be on the safe side, she opted NOT to do the treatment she had originally planned. We went with a treatment that is good for early pg instead. After the needles had been in for a while, she came back to take them out and check my pulses again to see how I had reacted to the treatment. She commented that things were much stronger, but didn't specifically say the slippery pulse was stronger. BUT, she then asked me if we'd want to know the gender. (In TCM, if the Kidney pulse is stronger on the right, it's a girl, if it's stronger on the left, it's a boy. Not 100% precise, but her stats are more like 85% accuracy - pretty good in my book. And, she was right about the pg in March being a girl, it was confirmed by DNA analysis post D&C.) I said, sure we'll want to know [when I get pg]. Her response was, "if you're pregnant, it's a girl." WHOA! I was fine with the 50/50 chance based on the possible slippery pulse, but this threw me for a loop. How could she think she felt a stronger pulse if there wasn't an embryo in there working on implanting???

See, now my 2ww just got harder because I have to wait another week with this wondering and hoping. I refuse to test early because I never want to see a BFN (big fat NEGATIVE) again, so I want to wait at least until the day AF is due (Thursday/Friday) to test. So, now I wait, and wait, and wait. Waiting sucks - hard.

Oh, man! I hope it's contagious!

So, I post on Fertility Friend's message boards (nickiea) and I belong to a few buddy groups on there. I just found out this afternoon that yet another BG pal is PREGNANT!!!!! Yippee skippy! I can't seem to express in words alone how happy I am that my Buds are getting to see 2 lines on a pregnancy test (well, except Shannon, the dork, still won't POAS!). I feel like the only thing that will express my joy is a Mary Murphy scream! (reference to the awesome show, So You Think You Can Dance)

A small handful of us have started up a little group of gals who are doing IVF around the same time and I'm the last in line to get started. 3 out of 5 of us are pregnant and the 4th finds out in a few days. Oh boy, nothing like pressure on us, eh, Gabby? I sure hope neither of us buck this trend.

Let's keep them coming, ok? Someone's leaving the light on for me, right?

Happy Anniversary to us!

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary, hard to believe it's been that long already.

We went out for a bike ride this morning as a family. Hubby & not-so-wee one on the mountain bike and me on my new cruiser. What a great time! We stopped at the local U-pick berry farm to pick some strawberries, but they didn't survive the ride home very well. Most of them fell out of the box and into the mesh basket. The weight of them pushed the bottom ones thru the mesh and we ended up with half strawberries and half of them as strawberry puree! Oh well, it was worth it for the fun. n-s-wee one kept commenting that we were doing it "as a family!" Very sweet.

So, my best friend in the entire world (save for Hubby) is about 26 weeks pregnant with monoamniotic identical twin girls. Monoamniotic means they are in the same amniotic sac and therefore are at high risk for cord entanglement accidents. She has been in the hospital on strict bedrest for a few weeks now and will be until the girls are delivered - 32 weeks at the latest. It's killing me that I can't fly down there today to be with her and help her thru this tough time. I've got my IVF coming up and need to be here for all the monitoring so it's just not possible. I can't wait to meet her little girls, she's going to be such a great mommy!!