12w1d - I'm...so...tired

Sorry I haven't updated again since last weekend's illness. The mastitis symptoms pretty much were gone by Sunday and I'll be finishing up the antibiotics soon. Part of me wishes I had not started them yet as I think I could have kicked it w/o them. Oh well, hindsight=20/20.

I'm hoping that this past week has been Tristan going thru a growth spurt and that it explains why he's suddenly sleeping so horribly at night again. We've got a pattern of going down at about 7:30-8:00 and then waking to eat at 12:00, 3:00, 5:00, 6:30... Very tiring, to say the least. Hubby let me sleep in this morning until 9am and it was heavenly.

We keep reminding ourselves over and over that it won't be like this forever and that he will eventually learn to sleep better. Until then, I'm gonna have to tough it out I guess. And on that note, good night.

11w1d - Can I please catch a break?

I have mastitis again. I got it pretty badly with Ryan and luckily it's not as bad this time, but I feel like shit. All over body aches, fever, chills, headache. Yuck. Hubby is on his way to the pharmacy right now for antibiotics. I just hope we don't end up with thrush again from the antibiotics. I was so cold last night with the chills. I had on long sleeve PJs with pants, 3 blankets and was shaking so badly that it was like I was on a vibrating bed. I would have checked my temp then, but I was too scared to get up because the room would feel so cold. Ibuprofen is my friend.

10w2d - Well, that's not going to work (& pics)

So, I took the Zol.oft on Friday night and when I got up to feed Tristan at 1:30 I was really groggy. I thought, great, it's going to make me sleepy, that's perfect. Well, then once I got back to bed I couldn't get back to sleep for an hour and a half. As if the insomnia wasn't enough, my RLS flared up so badly! I haven't had any RLS issues since the 2nd trimester and BAM, one Zol.oft and my legs are running a friggin' marathon under the sheets. I tried taking it on Saturday in the late morning to see if I could tolerate the RLS better during the day. I was a walking zombie for about 3-4 hours and then the RLS was back. The zombie part was so odd - for those few hours I was so darn apathatic. You could have told me my house was on fire and I'd hardly move any faster. Those side effects are just not acceptable to me so I did not take any meds today. I'll be calling my OB tomorrow to see if there are any non-SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors) meds that are safe during breastfeeding. If not, I'll try to muscle thru this with out meds because I'm not giving up breastfeeding and I'm not taking an SSRI. I took Celexa (another SSRI) years ago and the biggest reason I wanted to get off of it was that it made my RLS so bad. Ugh.

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a lot better the last couple of days, even with a bad sleep night last night. I think just admitting that I wasn't feeling 'right' helped me to force myself to be in a better mood. When I think about dealing with those side effects for months, I'm motivated to try and work my way out of this funk on my own.

On a much happier note, we finally got those pictures from our friends. Here's some of my favorites.

10 weeks Post Partum - PPD Strikes Again

I felt so confident that I had been able to dodge the bullet this time, but apparently not.

I had pretty bad PP Anxiety with Ryan and it got bad enough that I started meds. Two days later, the anxiety suddenly lifted and since the meds couldn't have kicked in yet, I stopped taking them. I didn't realize until months later when I woke up one day and realized I felt 'normal' again that I should have stayed on them, that I had still been dealing with PPD.

This time, no anxiety and I really thought things were going to be fine. I realized yesterday that it's not just sleep deprivation (although that's definitely a contributing factor) that's making me so irritable and sad - it's PPD again. Yesterday my 4yr old came up to me and said, "Hi, I'm Ryan. Hi, Cranky. Can Mommy come back now?" I've been naming his bad moods and asking that Ryan be the one who comes to the restaurants etc. with us and he turned it back on me. I realized that I was spending more and more time during the day not happy and was starting to avoid spending time with Tristan because I was getting resentful of him for my sleep deprivation and that's just not fair to him. I'm embarrassed to say that I was so cranky that when Tristan would wake up during a nap and I'd have to go back upstairs AGAIN to settle him I'd often blurt out a curse word and it got to the point that I didn't care if Ryan was in the room. I went to the doctor today and my OB gave me Zol.oft which I'll start tonight. Should take 2 weeks to kick in, here's hoping for more good sleep nights between now and then to help me get thru.

Just because it had been 10 weeks doesn't mean I was out of the woods. I hope that with time, sleep, and Zol.oft, I'll be able to find my way out of this soon. I really want to enjoy this time since I didn't enjoy it much with Ryan.

2mo6d - Check up & sleep updates

Tristan's 2 mo check up was yesterday, all looks good. He's up to 13lb 7oz and 24.5 in. Somehow I thought he was longer than that, but I guess not. I talked to the doctor about how I think he might not be refluxing after all, that I think it might have more to do with my overactive letdown making him fuss on the breast and then once the flood slows down, I think he gets cranky at having to work for the rest of the milk. The dr tends to agree that it's probably not true reflux and we'll try my measures for managing the letdown for a couple of weeks and then try taking him off meds. We both think it might also just be a matter of him outgrowing some of his fussiness too.

He got 3 of 4 vaccinations yesterday too. They were out of Hib so we'll have to catch up on that one. Three was enough, let me tell you. He was a cranki-puss all afternoon and refused to nap unless he was being worn in the Moby and I had to walk the entire time. I did laps of our first floor for over an hour to keep him asleep. I guess I got some free exercise though. And to make it worse, he had slept horribly the night before - up 3 times to eat. Ugh was I tired!

Sleep update - I'm so happy to report though that last night he had his best sleep night yet. He went down by 8pm and while I did have to get up at 12:30 to give him back his binky, he didn't wake up to eat until right before 3am and didn't get up again to eat until nearly 7am. Wow, I could really get used to that!

2mo2d - Updated pics

We STILL haven't gotten the studio pics from our friends. That's my goal for the weekend, get them no matter what. BUT, I do have a few other pics I can share.

With Ryan, we did monthly pics of him sitting next to this bear so you could see how big he was getting. I kick myself that we missed Tristan's 1 mo pic, but can't change that now. Here's the 2 mo version.

This next pic is one we did at 2 weeks old on our own here at home. Hubby played with it a bit and I just love it. As Hubby said, if you have a kid with a grumpy face, why not go with it?? LOL

8w4d - Now that's more like it!

Happy to report that after a looooong day with very few naps, last night was much better. Seems he got back on his routine of 8pm bed, feeding at 2-ish and 5-ish, up at 7-ish. Whew!

On another note, I think part of the problem on Sunday night was that he's outgrown his 0-6 mo pacifiers. I had noticed last week that sometimes I'd take the binky out and he'd have a bit of a pressure imprint on his face from it. That should have told me that he's sucking really hard to keep it in his mouth because it's too short for him now. Got him some 6mo+ ones yesterday and he took right to them. This kid's got a big mouth apparently! LOL

8w3d - Two steps forward, one BIG step back.

We got the great sleep pattern one more night (down by 8, eat at 2 and 5, up at 7) but then last night, it all went to hell. We had some people over for Labor Day and right before we were ready to eat at about 6:15 or so, Tristan was showing early sleepy signs, so I took him upstairs for a nap while we ate. I was so excited that he timed it so well that I could eat in peace. By the time everyone left at 8-ish, it was clear that he didn't see this sleep session as a nap - he was down for the night. This wouldn't have been so bad except that he was not in PJs and was in a cloth diaper that would not have been absorbant enough to get us to 1 or 2am. I decided to go in at about 8:30 and carefully change him and feed him one more time. Even though my sleep book (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child) says, "Never wake a sleeping baby." - more than once, I did it. Boy, was that a bad idea. Remind me to never do that again.

It took 3-4 times of me going back in w/in 30 min to put his pacifier back in his mouth to get him to finally settle. Even though he was asleep when I put him down. Then, he was up again at 12 something and again it took multiple binky rescues (about 7 I think) before I gave up and put him in the cosleeper next to me. He finally settled and was up again at 2:30 to eat. He would NOT settle after this though and by 3am I had had enough. My wonderful Hubby came in from the office (where he's taken to sleeping again to get some rest) and volunteered to stay up with Tristan for a while. He brought him back to me at 5am to eat again and I brought him back to Hubby afterwards in the family room where Hubby was watching a silly movie. I got up at 7-ish and Hubby said that Tristan had barely slept from 3-7. Oh boy. Today should be a fun day - not. Hubby just went to go take a nap - poor guy. I guess it's a right of passage as a parent to stay up for hours with a child who can't/won't sleep. I've done it with Ryan a few times when he's gotten croup and a few times with Tristan in the early weeks. It's no fun, no fun at all.

8w1d - Sleep is a beautiful thing

Tristan was ready for bed last night and in his crib asleep by 7:45. I was so worried that him wanting to go down so early was going to mean a loooong night for me, but happily it did not. He stirred a bit at 1:00 and was happy to go back to sleep once I gave him back his pacifier. He didn't wake to eat until 2:00, then right back to bed. He actually slept thru the diaper change and re-swaddle after eating. Not a peep until 5:15. I probably could have gotten away with another 'binky rescue' but my poor boob was so engorged I was willing to feed him. Then he slept until 7:30 this morning and by 8:45, he was down for a nap. When they say sleep begets sleep in a baby, it's so true. I feel like a new woman.

Gonna take him for a walk in the jogger (reclined) to the store later to get stuff for dinner. It's a beautiful day here in Seattle and not just because it's sunny and warm.

7w1d - No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth.

Sorry, been busy. We were out of town visiting FIL and his wife (feels weird to say step-MIL) in Oregon and then, well, not much time to sit at the laptop and write a post. I'll try to get better and just do little ones more frequently.

Had my 6wk PP check-up - cleared to work out again - just in time for my long-time yoga teacher (for about 8-9 years) to leave the gym I go to. He's got a studio but I can't afford those prices. I'm bummed - seriously. Don't know yet what I'm going to do for yoga classes yet as the gym hasn't hired a replacement. Guess I'll have to start with good old cardio and weights - boring! Oh yeah, and I'm officially 4lbs UNDER my pre-pg weight - without working out! How'd that happen? My clothes still don't fit right AT ALL thanks to the overstretched belly skin that might never go back on it's own, but at least the number on the scale is being nice to me even if the number on the back of my pants isn't.

Still haven't gotten pics yet - working on it. Here's a blurry smile from yesterday - he won't hold still when he's smiling/laughing so they're all blurry.

Here, he seems to be saying, "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" He wiggles around so much lately, cracks me up!
I finished the blanket I have been knitting for Tristan. I'd planned to finish it on the day he was born but he had other ideas. I'll post a pic of this soon too. I love how it turned out. It's pretty big - crib sized and yarn is so soft and yummy. I taught myself how to do a cable stitch and how to weave in the ends for this project.
Ok, he's awake, more later.

ETA: Ok, it's later and I just had to add this. Tristan rolled from his tummy to his back - TWICE! I put him on his belly/elbows to look at the mirror on his activity mat and he almost immediately decided he'd rather not be in that position and rolled over. Put him back and he did it again!! I think this kid is going to keep my on my toes - rolling over at 7wks??? Oh boy.

1m 1d - First smiles

Tristan gave us his first voluntary smile on Saturday. It was so cute. Daddy was holding him and gets to claim the first smile - lucky dog! It was good timing too, as some friend's of ours who are photographers came by to take some pics. I think we caught the real smile in at least one pic, I should have them soon and will post some then. Our friends are doing mostly weddings right now, but hope to branch out to include child/baby portraits too so we get to have fun being their guinea pigs.

Now, I know it's not an official weight because he had a (clean) diaper on and it wasn't the most accurate scale, but I did the whole weigh us together then me and subtract thing today and according to that, this kid already weighs 13 pounds! Yes, I meant to type 1-3, that is not a typo. You might notice from the title of this post that he's only 1 day into his 2nd month. Yowza! We have our official 1 month check up next week so I'll get an 'official' weight then. I swear he's a lot longer too, he's grown out of about half of his 0-3 month clothes - at ONE MONTH OLD! I find this fact so amusing.

My MIL left today to go home and Hubby and NSWO and I are all a bit sad to see her go. It was a lovely visit. I pumped a couple of bottles this morning to take in the car so we wouldn't have to be held up by a hungry baby and MIL was feeding him some milk as we pulled up to the curb at the airport. It was so sweet, she looked at Tristan and said, "Do you think you can keep drinking this milk for the next several weeks so I have to stay?"

The thrush is still here, not sure the Rx meds did much of anything for the gas, although his diaper rash did seem to get better. We're doing a few days of Gentian Violet and if this doesn't clear it up by later this week, I'll call the doctor to see what Rx med we should try next. Tristan still wakes up with painful gas during the night and sometimes during the day, but overall, his sleeping is a bit better. He seems to be falling into a pattern of waking sometime between 1:30-2:00am, then about 4:45-5:00am and again at 6:30-7:00am. Not too bad for a one month old - hoping it continues to get even better in the next month.

So, I realized the other day that it's silly to keep refering to my oldest as NSWO (Not So Wee One) if I'm going to call the Wee One (WO??) by his first name. I guess I should stop using WO's name, but why not use NSWO's name? Anyway, after a bit of thought (that took about 16 seconds I think) I'd rather use my boys' names since I like them so much. So, without further ado and rambling from me - NSWO's actual name is Ryan.

4w old - The battle with thrush

Tristan and I are dealing with thrush. This is no fun at all. Not as bad for me - I get shooting pains in my nipples after a feeding, but really it's not much worse than the pins and needles feeling when your leg falls asleep. Poor Tristan though has it rougher. He's got the white patches in his mouth so at times during the day he'll not want to nurse because it's uncomfortable. He's also got a nasty diaper rash, but the Rx cream is helping that one pretty well. The biggest issue for him is that the yeast overgrowth has made it into his intestines. If you think about what yeast does to bread dough, you can imagine that everytime he nurses, the milk feeds the yeast in his gut and they explode causing serious gas bubbles for the little guy. Mostly at night too. I can feel the bubbles rumbling around in there and he grunts and cries out until he's able to fart it all out. He mostly sleeps thru these attacks, but unfortunately, I do not. It gets to the point that the only thing that will soothe him is to feed him and then the whole thing starts over again. Ugh. He's on oral meds and the cream, but I'm not sure it's helping yet. We did the Gentian Violet stuff one night, but it turned his lips so purple that I want/need to wait until after we do pictures tomorrow before doing it more.

I'm on meds too, but not sure they're enough, I may have to move on to something more powerful which I really don't want to do.

I think this kid could sleep sooo much better if we could get rid of this gas. I thought it was getting better for a couple of nights and he actually slept from 10pm to 3am night before last. Unfortunately, last night was back to the multiple awakenings and I'm exhausted again. Will definitely be needing a nap today.

In happier news, Hubby's mom is in town visiting and we're all having a great time. Wish me luck that the thrush clears up soon so we can all get some rest.

In Memoriam - for Aria and her family

I post on Fertility Friend and there is a nice group of ladies that are/were due in July together. We have gone thru our entire pregnancies together and seen lots of highs and lows during that time. Today, we were dealt a devastating blow as a group. One of our members, Aria, who was having her second child went in on Thursday evening to be induced at 41+ weeks. Her fluid levels had risen enough that her doctor didn't want to wait any longer. During the night, while her husband slept, Aria had an apparent Amniotic Embollism. They rushed her into an emergency c-section and her son, Max, was delivered safely. Aria, unfortunately, did not survive and died a short time later. Aria also has a beautiful daughter Maezie and a loving husband, Ryan who will miss her terribly.

I find myself in tears everytime I think about Aria and see in my mind the picture she used on the forums of her with her family. She has such joy in her eyes in that picture and I just can't believe she's gone. It amazes me how someone I've never met can stir such a reaction, but the friendships I have formed online are so very special to me. More than I ever anticipated.

Another July mom created this 'blinkie' as a way of remembering Aria.

And yet another July mom wrote this poem that breaks my heart.

She touched so many,
She never knew.
Inside her belly-
Her future grew.

A daughter then son
And husband by her side
She lived on top of the world
She was down for the wildest ride.

The lioness they called her
Aria was her name.
The lord came to call her.
There is no one to blame

Hush my babies,
Don’t you cry
In clouds of angels
Mommy sings you a lullaby.

In memory of Aria 2007
-Justine O

Happy Birthday to me!

Hubby went out this morning and got me donuts for breakfast and we did lunch at my favorite Chinese place - yum! Tristan even slept thru the entire lunch which was nice. We're having a few neighbors over for appetizers and cake tonight. Pretty much a low-key birthday, but given it's the third in 2 weeks' time, I guess that's to be expected. I think starting next year, we need to move my celebration to August 20th just to give us a break from celebrating.

34 is treating me pretty well so far I must say. Two beautiful boys, an amazing husband, a great mom out here helping us adjust. Only downfall is the crazy, insane dachshund, but I guess you can't win them all, right?

As of this morning, I'm happy to report that I'm w/in 11lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight. How is that even possible? And yet, all of my non-maternity pants won't fit for weeks. I'm living in yoga pants for a while, hoping I won't need to dress up anytime soon cause I have nothing to wear!

Breastfeeding is going better too, Tristan's latch seems to be getting much better and I don't need the nipple shield as often anymore and the nipple ointment stuff really works well. Whew!

I know I still owe everyone a post on the emotional side of things, mulling it over in my head, hoping to get it commited to text soon.

1w6d - BumGenius Baby

Here's Tristan in his first Bum Genius All-In-One Cloth Diaper. Trust me, even though he's screaming in the picture, he loves them. He just hates diaper changes. These things are so awesome! Just as easy to use as disposables and reusable and WAAAAY cuter!! I did plan to use a bunch of Kissaluv fitted diapers with covers, but turns out that's too many steps for me and Squirt wasn't patient enough for me to get it figured out. I think I'll just stick with the Bum Genius for now. I've got a friend who wants to buy the KLs from me anyway for her baby she's expecting soon so it all works out. I have some of the One Size pockets from BG too, but haven't used them yet. Somehow they seem like they'd be too bulky on the little guy.

It's been a busy week. NSWO's bday party on Monday was a huge hit! Hard to believe he's 4 already. He got lots of fun presents including a few games that are fun for Mom and Dad too.

Wednesday was also our day of pediatrician appointments for the boys. Since they're birthdays are so close together, I'll be able to schedule them together for years to come which will be nice. I didn't realize that NSWO was going to need 5 immunizations though - poor guy! I think it was harder on me and my post-partum hormones than it was on him though. He was such a trooper and didn't even want any Motrin afterwards.

Tristan is doing very well. He's nearly back to his birth weight already at 12days old and he's officially 'off the charts' for length, weight, and head circumfrence. His latch seems to be improving a lot and the LC gave me some 'all purpose nipple ointment' that the pharmacy at the hospital mixes up to get my nips to heal up faster. His feedings are starting to be faster and better spaced as well. I asked the LC when babies who do this cluster feeding thing tend to stop and she said, "When you're completely fed up and ready to quit nursing usually they'll give you a break." My response was, "Oh good, so tomorrow should be better?" And it was, oddly enough. He's starting to get a bit of a routine at night too - feeding at 10pm, 1am, 4am, 7am for the most part. We had pizza last night though and apparently he's not a big fan. Poor guy had horrible gas all night long - I'll definitely be needing a nap today.

0w7d - Official Due Date & official nickname

Tristan is a week old today, although he looks about 2 months old.

I'm so happy to report that we both got some GREAT sleep last night. Nighttime feeds still take an hour, but he let me sleep from 10-1, then 2-4 and 5-7. In fact, as I type this, he's still asleep at 8am.

Tristan has officially earned his nickname too - Squirt. From the first moments out of the womb when he peed at my face into the window of the drape, to the first diaper change for Daddy where he nailed Daddy right in the front of his shorts (making it appear as if Daddy had peed himself), to the numerous times he's showered himself and me in the last week - this kid is definitely a Squirt.

Last night, he added a new trick to his squirt regimine. During the 4am feeding, I was changing his poopy diaper before offering him the second breast. I've since learned my lesson to keep a cloth diaper draped over his penis to keep the shower from getting everywhere. No sooner had I put the new diaper under his bum than he started to fill it up again. Oh crud! Grab another wipe, another diaper and start over. I was bringing the diaper over to put it under his bum and he squirted again - this time I caught it, but it got all over my hand in the process. Mind you, I'm downstairs by myself and everyone else is peacefully asleep upstairs. Luckily, my mom is staying with us and happened to be awake and came downstairs to see if I needed help. All in all, I think we went thru 4-5 diapers for that one diaper change! Crazy.

Oh, yes, and lest we forget yesterday's bath adventure. Squirt's first bath at home and he's all nice and clean and cuddled in a warm soft fluffy towel with Daddy when we hear it. That sound that means he's not alone in that towel anymore. Then it happens again, and again. Thank goodness I hadn't emptied the bath water yet so we dipped the bottom half in a few times and Nana got a new towel. This time, the cuddles were cut short in favor of a diapered bottom. Ah, the joys of parenting a newborn.

I'll get more pics up soon, I promise.

0w5d - I forgot how much it hurts in the beginning.

Nursing, that is. This kid likes to eat - a LOT - and my poor nipples are getting so beat up. We had our appointment yesterday at the Post Partum Care Center yesterday. This is a regular part of OB care at my hospital and everyone is encouraged to be seen by one of the nurses/lactation consultants about 4-5 days post partum to catch any issues early. Even those who bottle feed and had normal vaginal deliveries can benefit. Anyway, turns out that while Tristan starts out his latch well enough with a wide open mouth, after a few sucks, he's been letting a lot of the areola slip out and ending up with just the nipple and it's starting to take a toll on my breasts. Part of it was doing the side-lying position during the night - I couldn't see very well how his latch was and he was lazier than usual during the night. Last night, I ended up not going to bed at all and slept in the arm chair downstairs with him in my arms when we weren't actually nursing so I could leave a light on dimly and be able to see better what was going on. I ended up only getting about 2 hours of sleep in total - that sucked. Hubby got up at 6am and took Tristan so I could go to bed for a couple more hours which really helped.

The LC that we met with yesterday had us tally up the number of wet/poopy diapers as well as the number of nursing sessions in 24hrs. Turns out, he fed 21 times in 24 hours. No wonder my nipples are killing me! We worked on his latch issues and I'm hopeful that things will improve quickly. I also have a very small spot on my incision that is opened up a tiny bit. OB took a look and said it's not a problem, just keep the spot clean and it will heal up just fine. The only problem for me is that I never know what movement or position is going to make that spot feel like my skin is tearing apart. Hoping that heals up quickly too, I'm sure it will.

I have another blog topic swimming around in my brain (a few actually) but time is limited right now so they'll have to wait. One topic is how things are going with the emotions this time around. I'm feeling 180* different from last time which makes me so unbelievably happy. I'll elaborate soon, but for now, I'm not worried about PPD coming back and hopeful that it will continue to be this way, even with hard nights like last night.

0w3d - Announcing the arrival of Tristan Roark

Sorry I haven't updated before now, been a bit busy.

Hubby and I went to the OB appointment and the mild contractions and bloody show had continued. My OB said he was fine with us going home and waiting to see if this was real labor or just a false alarm. He did check my cervix which was just beginning to dilate and was effacing and very soft. The contractions were getting uncomfortable enough that I doubted we'd be able to wait it out the rest of the day and overnight so we begrudgingly opted to go for the surgery on Friday, one day early.

They had me checked in pretty quickly, and luckily, my friend Lisa, who had agreed to videotape the surgery for me was nearby and able to get to the hospital in time. Surgery went great and Tristan Roark A__ was born at 1:07 pm on July 6, 2007. As for our guesses on his weight, we were all a bit surprised. Myriam and Gramma Sue were closest as this moose came out at 10lb 3oz and 21 1/2 in long. He peed and pooped almost immediately and let me tell you, this kid has a good set of lungs!

Healing has been going very well and I was up and walking within about 9 hours of surgery. I did have some trouble with nausea Friday evening and vomited a few times, but now that my body is functioning better, that has passed and I was able to resume solid food yesterday. Pain is quite tolerable (way better than last time) and the nurses and I are both surprised at how little pain meds I am needing.

As for the name, Tristan is from Welsh folklore and Roark is Irish and means "famous ruler". We looked for a family name on my side, but didn't find anything that would work well with Tristan and my grandmother (who had 10 children) used a lot of R names, so this ties him back to my side of the family a bit.

Tristan and I are doing well with breastfeeding, but I think he's ready for the milk to be here already. Hoping it shows up today as he did drop 5% of his birthweight at yesterday's check and if he drops too much more today, they may want me to supplement a bit until the milk arrives. He's mostly very calm, but when he gets a gas bubble, he goes from 0-60 in about 2 sec. flat. Last night, he actually slept in my arms from 10pm-5am. I kept trying to offer him the breast, but he'd rather sleep. Feels odd to be so confused about which to prefer right now. I want him to be a good sleeper, but want him to eat well too. He made up for it I think by nursing for an hour straight just now - back and forth 3 times each - and he's acting like he wants more, so I'll have to wrap up soon.

Here's a few pics to tide you over until I can update again. Hopefully going home from the hospital today.

39w0d - final belly pic & update

My mom got into town on Wednesday evening. We had a great time at the parade in town, about a mile from our house. Walking in the heat was not an option and parking is so nuts that if we drove down, we'd end up walking nearly as far so the only logical option was to ride our bikes. Hubby and NSWO have a sort of tandem set up with an extention bike for the little guy, and I have my beach cruiser (LOVE IT!!) so we rode down. I think I caused a bit of a stir - riding a bike with a belly as big as mine, but really it was easier and faster than walking at this point.

Yesterday was my last day at yoga for a while and I was fairly sad to know I won't be back for several weeks. I got a pic of me in headstand one last time to share and for me to remember.

Today, I have an OB appointment and we have to get bags finished packing, etc. I've also got to finish the blanket I'm knitting for the Bean. I figure if I knit all day long, I should be able to finish it in time.

Well, I thought I could, but apparently, this kid has a wicked sense of humor, already. Remember how this pregnancy started with a surprise BFP? (Odd to have a surprise when you've been trying for 2.5 yrs, but still.) Well, it looks like this kid might not care that I negotiated a SUPER COOL birth date for him because I woke up to bloody show this morning and we'll see if I'll be leaving the hospital after my OB appointment or not. Can you stand the irony if he decides to come out today and ruin all my plans for a cool birthday???? I guess he's already telling me I'm not as in charge as I think I am.

Anyway, here's the last belly pic, I'll update later today either way.

38w0d - the final days

Here's today's belly pic. Hubby saw my profile the other day and asked me, "How do you carry that around?" Um, I don't have a choice?
Here's the lastest progression pic, seems like yet another growth spurt from the Bean.

OB appointment on Thursday was actually rather boring, but at this stage, that's good. Weight gain was only a half pound, blood pressure, urine, heartbeat were all good as well. OB's guess from feeling baby thru the belly is 9+ lbs currently. I go back for my last OB visit a week from today.

I found this poem the other day that really speaks to some of what I'm feeling right now. It's about adding another child to the family and how that affects the first one. I find myself feeling sad about the pregnancy being over soon and more sad about my alone time with NSWO coming to an end. Almost as if he can tell things are about to completely change, he has become so sweet and adorable - even more so than usual. Anyway, here's the poem, you may need a tissue, I do.

Loving Two (Author Unknown)

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly, I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me," And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't." Knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you. I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am betraying you. But, then, I notice your resentment change, first curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But, something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times - only we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments, and I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally as strong. And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes! I can love another child as much as I love you - only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both or you - you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.