12w1d - I'm...so...tired

Sorry I haven't updated again since last weekend's illness. The mastitis symptoms pretty much were gone by Sunday and I'll be finishing up the antibiotics soon. Part of me wishes I had not started them yet as I think I could have kicked it w/o them. Oh well, hindsight=20/20.

I'm hoping that this past week has been Tristan going thru a growth spurt and that it explains why he's suddenly sleeping so horribly at night again. We've got a pattern of going down at about 7:30-8:00 and then waking to eat at 12:00, 3:00, 5:00, 6:30... Very tiring, to say the least. Hubby let me sleep in this morning until 9am and it was heavenly.

We keep reminding ourselves over and over that it won't be like this forever and that he will eventually learn to sleep better. Until then, I'm gonna have to tough it out I guess. And on that note, good night.

11w1d - Can I please catch a break?

I have mastitis again. I got it pretty badly with Ryan and luckily it's not as bad this time, but I feel like shit. All over body aches, fever, chills, headache. Yuck. Hubby is on his way to the pharmacy right now for antibiotics. I just hope we don't end up with thrush again from the antibiotics. I was so cold last night with the chills. I had on long sleeve PJs with pants, 3 blankets and was shaking so badly that it was like I was on a vibrating bed. I would have checked my temp then, but I was too scared to get up because the room would feel so cold. Ibuprofen is my friend.

10w2d - Well, that's not going to work (& pics)

So, I took the Zol.oft on Friday night and when I got up to feed Tristan at 1:30 I was really groggy. I thought, great, it's going to make me sleepy, that's perfect. Well, then once I got back to bed I couldn't get back to sleep for an hour and a half. As if the insomnia wasn't enough, my RLS flared up so badly! I haven't had any RLS issues since the 2nd trimester and BAM, one Zol.oft and my legs are running a friggin' marathon under the sheets. I tried taking it on Saturday in the late morning to see if I could tolerate the RLS better during the day. I was a walking zombie for about 3-4 hours and then the RLS was back. The zombie part was so odd - for those few hours I was so darn apathatic. You could have told me my house was on fire and I'd hardly move any faster. Those side effects are just not acceptable to me so I did not take any meds today. I'll be calling my OB tomorrow to see if there are any non-SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors) meds that are safe during breastfeeding. If not, I'll try to muscle thru this with out meds because I'm not giving up breastfeeding and I'm not taking an SSRI. I took Celexa (another SSRI) years ago and the biggest reason I wanted to get off of it was that it made my RLS so bad. Ugh.

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a lot better the last couple of days, even with a bad sleep night last night. I think just admitting that I wasn't feeling 'right' helped me to force myself to be in a better mood. When I think about dealing with those side effects for months, I'm motivated to try and work my way out of this funk on my own.

On a much happier note, we finally got those pictures from our friends. Here's some of my favorites.

10 weeks Post Partum - PPD Strikes Again

I felt so confident that I had been able to dodge the bullet this time, but apparently not.

I had pretty bad PP Anxiety with Ryan and it got bad enough that I started meds. Two days later, the anxiety suddenly lifted and since the meds couldn't have kicked in yet, I stopped taking them. I didn't realize until months later when I woke up one day and realized I felt 'normal' again that I should have stayed on them, that I had still been dealing with PPD.

This time, no anxiety and I really thought things were going to be fine. I realized yesterday that it's not just sleep deprivation (although that's definitely a contributing factor) that's making me so irritable and sad - it's PPD again. Yesterday my 4yr old came up to me and said, "Hi, I'm Ryan. Hi, Cranky. Can Mommy come back now?" I've been naming his bad moods and asking that Ryan be the one who comes to the restaurants etc. with us and he turned it back on me. I realized that I was spending more and more time during the day not happy and was starting to avoid spending time with Tristan because I was getting resentful of him for my sleep deprivation and that's just not fair to him. I'm embarrassed to say that I was so cranky that when Tristan would wake up during a nap and I'd have to go back upstairs AGAIN to settle him I'd often blurt out a curse word and it got to the point that I didn't care if Ryan was in the room. I went to the doctor today and my OB gave me Zol.oft which I'll start tonight. Should take 2 weeks to kick in, here's hoping for more good sleep nights between now and then to help me get thru.

Just because it had been 10 weeks doesn't mean I was out of the woods. I hope that with time, sleep, and Zol.oft, I'll be able to find my way out of this soon. I really want to enjoy this time since I didn't enjoy it much with Ryan.

2mo6d - Check up & sleep updates

Tristan's 2 mo check up was yesterday, all looks good. He's up to 13lb 7oz and 24.5 in. Somehow I thought he was longer than that, but I guess not. I talked to the doctor about how I think he might not be refluxing after all, that I think it might have more to do with my overactive letdown making him fuss on the breast and then once the flood slows down, I think he gets cranky at having to work for the rest of the milk. The dr tends to agree that it's probably not true reflux and we'll try my measures for managing the letdown for a couple of weeks and then try taking him off meds. We both think it might also just be a matter of him outgrowing some of his fussiness too.

He got 3 of 4 vaccinations yesterday too. They were out of Hib so we'll have to catch up on that one. Three was enough, let me tell you. He was a cranki-puss all afternoon and refused to nap unless he was being worn in the Moby and I had to walk the entire time. I did laps of our first floor for over an hour to keep him asleep. I guess I got some free exercise though. And to make it worse, he had slept horribly the night before - up 3 times to eat. Ugh was I tired!

Sleep update - I'm so happy to report though that last night he had his best sleep night yet. He went down by 8pm and while I did have to get up at 12:30 to give him back his binky, he didn't wake up to eat until right before 3am and didn't get up again to eat until nearly 7am. Wow, I could really get used to that!

2mo2d - Updated pics

We STILL haven't gotten the studio pics from our friends. That's my goal for the weekend, get them no matter what. BUT, I do have a few other pics I can share.

With Ryan, we did monthly pics of him sitting next to this bear so you could see how big he was getting. I kick myself that we missed Tristan's 1 mo pic, but can't change that now. Here's the 2 mo version.

This next pic is one we did at 2 weeks old on our own here at home. Hubby played with it a bit and I just love it. As Hubby said, if you have a kid with a grumpy face, why not go with it?? LOL

8w4d - Now that's more like it!

Happy to report that after a looooong day with very few naps, last night was much better. Seems he got back on his routine of 8pm bed, feeding at 2-ish and 5-ish, up at 7-ish. Whew!

On another note, I think part of the problem on Sunday night was that he's outgrown his 0-6 mo pacifiers. I had noticed last week that sometimes I'd take the binky out and he'd have a bit of a pressure imprint on his face from it. That should have told me that he's sucking really hard to keep it in his mouth because it's too short for him now. Got him some 6mo+ ones yesterday and he took right to them. This kid's got a big mouth apparently! LOL

8w3d - Two steps forward, one BIG step back.

We got the great sleep pattern one more night (down by 8, eat at 2 and 5, up at 7) but then last night, it all went to hell. We had some people over for Labor Day and right before we were ready to eat at about 6:15 or so, Tristan was showing early sleepy signs, so I took him upstairs for a nap while we ate. I was so excited that he timed it so well that I could eat in peace. By the time everyone left at 8-ish, it was clear that he didn't see this sleep session as a nap - he was down for the night. This wouldn't have been so bad except that he was not in PJs and was in a cloth diaper that would not have been absorbant enough to get us to 1 or 2am. I decided to go in at about 8:30 and carefully change him and feed him one more time. Even though my sleep book (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child) says, "Never wake a sleeping baby." - more than once, I did it. Boy, was that a bad idea. Remind me to never do that again.

It took 3-4 times of me going back in w/in 30 min to put his pacifier back in his mouth to get him to finally settle. Even though he was asleep when I put him down. Then, he was up again at 12 something and again it took multiple binky rescues (about 7 I think) before I gave up and put him in the cosleeper next to me. He finally settled and was up again at 2:30 to eat. He would NOT settle after this though and by 3am I had had enough. My wonderful Hubby came in from the office (where he's taken to sleeping again to get some rest) and volunteered to stay up with Tristan for a while. He brought him back to me at 5am to eat again and I brought him back to Hubby afterwards in the family room where Hubby was watching a silly movie. I got up at 7-ish and Hubby said that Tristan had barely slept from 3-7. Oh boy. Today should be a fun day - not. Hubby just went to go take a nap - poor guy. I guess it's a right of passage as a parent to stay up for hours with a child who can't/won't sleep. I've done it with Ryan a few times when he's gotten croup and a few times with Tristan in the early weeks. It's no fun, no fun at all.

8w1d - Sleep is a beautiful thing

Tristan was ready for bed last night and in his crib asleep by 7:45. I was so worried that him wanting to go down so early was going to mean a loooong night for me, but happily it did not. He stirred a bit at 1:00 and was happy to go back to sleep once I gave him back his pacifier. He didn't wake to eat until 2:00, then right back to bed. He actually slept thru the diaper change and re-swaddle after eating. Not a peep until 5:15. I probably could have gotten away with another 'binky rescue' but my poor boob was so engorged I was willing to feed him. Then he slept until 7:30 this morning and by 8:45, he was down for a nap. When they say sleep begets sleep in a baby, it's so true. I feel like a new woman.

Gonna take him for a walk in the jogger (reclined) to the store later to get stuff for dinner. It's a beautiful day here in Seattle and not just because it's sunny and warm.