Friday, September 14, 2007

10 weeks Post Partum - PPD Strikes Again

I felt so confident that I had been able to dodge the bullet this time, but apparently not.

I had pretty bad PP Anxiety with Ryan and it got bad enough that I started meds. Two days later, the anxiety suddenly lifted and since the meds couldn't have kicked in yet, I stopped taking them. I didn't realize until months later when I woke up one day and realized I felt 'normal' again that I should have stayed on them, that I had still been dealing with PPD.

This time, no anxiety and I really thought things were going to be fine. I realized yesterday that it's not just sleep deprivation (although that's definitely a contributing factor) that's making me so irritable and sad - it's PPD again. Yesterday my 4yr old came up to me and said, "Hi, I'm Ryan. Hi, Cranky. Can Mommy come back now?" I've been naming his bad moods and asking that Ryan be the one who comes to the restaurants etc. with us and he turned it back on me. I realized that I was spending more and more time during the day not happy and was starting to avoid spending time with Tristan because I was getting resentful of him for my sleep deprivation and that's just not fair to him. I'm embarrassed to say that I was so cranky that when Tristan would wake up during a nap and I'd have to go back upstairs AGAIN to settle him I'd often blurt out a curse word and it got to the point that I didn't care if Ryan was in the room. I went to the doctor today and my OB gave me Zol.oft which I'll start tonight. Should take 2 weeks to kick in, here's hoping for more good sleep nights between now and then to help me get thru.

Just because it had been 10 weeks doesn't mean I was out of the woods. I hope that with time, sleep, and Zol.oft, I'll be able to find my way out of this soon. I really want to enjoy this time since I didn't enjoy it much with Ryan.


Michelle said...

Nickie - I'd been meaning to come over here to thank you for your words of support on my blog - and I'm so sorry to see that you're dealing with PPD again. But I'm so glad that you (and Ryan!) recognized the signs and that you got help right away. Good for you to take care of yourself, so you can be there for those adorable little ones of yours.

And I hope you're not beating yourself up over feeling resentful toward Tristan. I know we're supposed to be bursting with love for our babies - and we ARE - but let's not sugarcoat how challenging it is to care for a newborn, physically and emotionally. I've certainly felt how you described - just no NSWO around to hear me curse! You know that I've been thrown by how much harder it is than I imagined. I really do commend you for being in tune with yourself and taking immediate action when you realized what was going on. And I hope that kicks in ASAP and you're feeling like yourself again soon.

Cheri said...

I hope you feel better soon!!

That Ryan - he cracks me up! I might have to use that one on Daws. Hi whiney I'm Mom. lol

Love ya sis!