Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I never was very good at the limbo.

In school, I couldn't do the limbo very well. I don't think my back is very flexible. Yoga is helping, but it's still not supple. I'm also not very good at being IN limbo. I have no idea what my body is doing right now. Did I try to O on the bcp? Did the stims royally screw up my hormones? Will this take a long time to get out of? I am sick of waiting and wondering.

Today was not a good day for me. I have several online friends that I'm in buddy groups with and there have been a few new BFPs this week. Usually I am sooo excited for my friends and take it as proof that people do come out of this infertility thing with a pregnancy to celebrate. Today, all I could muster was a congratulations and poor attempt at geniune interest. All I could think of was how sad I am that it's not me. I broke down today and sobbed for a while. Not the little welling up of tears and sniffles, but honest-to-goodness sobbing. I think I've been holding that in since the IVF was cancelled. I wish I could say that it made me feel better.

Not-So-Wee-One had a playdate this afternoon and the mom also has a 6 mo old little girl along with the 3 yr old boy. She confided in me today that she's having a hard time and thinks she's got a touch of post-partum depression. I told her my story about how when NSWO was about 1-2 weeks old I had a lot of anxiety and couldn't eat or sleep. I started meds, but when the anxiety lifted after just 2 doses I stopped meds (they couldn't be working already so it couldn't be from them) but probably should have stayed on them longer. The dark clouds finally lifted months later and I've been mostly fine since. Talking to her today just brought back memories of how hard that time was. I was not myself back then, I was sad, cranky, generally unhappy. I didn't take much pleasure in being a mom for quite a while and I feel a bit of guilt about that to this day. For the first time since we started working on a second child, I wonder if maybe we should just count our blessing and move on as we are. I want to cry just typing that sentence, but I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of what IF is doing to me physically and emotionally. I want this whole thing to be over but don't want to give up yet. A tiny, itty-bitty part of me wants to go thru the IVF and not get pregnant so that I can say we gave it our all and it just didn't happen. Then maybe I can get on with my life - you know life - that thing that happens while you're busy making plans. But what would I do with my time and energy if I'm not invested in this infertility thing? I feel like I can't move on with my life until this chapter is closed. I know that 2 years + isn't all that long compared to a lot of gals in the trenches, and if I didn't already have NSWO I know I'd want to endure longer.

But the fact is, I DO have NSWO and I just don't know how much longer I can wait around for resolution. I think if I was able to actively cycle I would feel different, but yet again, I'm forced to wait and I'm SO OVER IT! I waited all of May to recover from the m/c, then June-July-August was occupied by stupid cysts and now I have to sit around for October and maybe November before I can get going again.

I never was very good at the limbo. Not then, and not now.


gabby said...

Thank you for writing this. I feel your pain and this whole process just sucks. I so hope you can move on soon!!!!

Heather said...

I hope that the ball gets rollin real soon. My nickel's worth is that you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling not feeling 100% after NSWO was born. Lots of women go through it, it is natural (yeah, that doesn't make it suck less I'm sure). There shouldn't be any shame. You are a wonderful mother.