I had acupuncture today and it's been just over a week since my last treatment. Last time, I was very depressed about the cycle review meeting with the Dr. O. My acupuncturist did a treatment to help me let go and move on both physically and mentally. It worked. Not only did my period show up without needing any drugs, but mentally, I've been much more relaxed and at ease with this whole IF thing for the past week. I'm allowing myself to imagine both possible outcomes of the IVF. One, it works, and we get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. Two, it doesn't work and we learn to move on as a family of three.
Option 2 is, of course, not the ideal outcome. But with this path, comes some benefits along with the obvious grief and mourning the loss of what will not be. As a family of three, we will be able to travel more freely (and cheaply) to visit family and other parts of the world. Hubby mentioned the other day the idea of trying to save up and spend our 10th anniversary in France and Italy. If there are two kids, we'll be able to leave them with a grandparent most likely, but if it's just the three of us, we can take not-so-wee-one with us. He'd be about 7 by then, a good age for international travel I would think.
Option 1 is still the ideal, but even being the ideal situation doesn't shield it from it's fair share of heartaches and emotional/physical strife. For example, I don't really do pregnancy very well. I get uncomfortable before the 2nd trimester is done and the gestational diabetes makes the third trimester a pain in the ass. This is assuming that I don't get morning sickness or worse like a few of my online friends who are suffering thru HG (hyperemesis gravidarum). Then, once baby gets here, if I am not able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean), I'll have to heal up from from the c-section while tending to a baby and a preschooler. The sleep deprivation isn't something to take lightly either. There's a reason it's a form of torture - it's very effective. And not all babies are good sleepers. NSWO wasn't a horrible sleeper, but he wasn't a good one until I stopped working and focused on his sleeping habits. I'd have to do all of that again with another one.
But the thing is, I've done it once and when you're in the middle of the hard parts, it feels like you'll be there forever, but soon, you're past it and looking back, it's not that bad. Now that I've been thru it once, I'll be better able to understand that 'it's just a phase' and if you hold on long enough, it too shall pass.
So, at acupuncture today, Lee did a back treatment to increase blood flow to the ovaries to help them function at their best. While I laid there on the table, she had this CD playing of traditional asian-sounding music. (Don't really know how best to put that, but I hope you get the idea.) Anyway, at one point, this guitar-type instrument is playing two notes that are very close to each other creating a very sharp dissonance. Almost what it sounds like when you tune a stringed instrument. I played the cello for years, so that sound is very specific to me. Then, it struck me as a bit of an epiphany. When tuning an instrument, the sound is never more dissonant and uncomfortable than when it is just shy of being in tune. Maybe all the emotional discomfort I've been experiencing over the last weeks/months is the dissonance that happens right before everything is in tune.