12w1d - Personality Test Results

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 83% Stability 50% Orderliness 60% Accommodation 56% Interdependence 76% Intellectual 70% Mystical 30% Artistic 56% Religious 10% Hedonism 43% Materialism 63% Narcissism 70% Adventurousness 10% Work ethic 43% Self absorbed 56% Conflict seeking 63% Need to dominate 76% Romantic 56% Avoidant 36% Anti-authority 76% Wealth 50% Dependency 50% Change averse 70% Cautiousness 56% Individuality 36% Sexuality 36% Peter pan complex 43% Physical security 90% Physical Fitness 50% Histrionic 43% Paranoia 30% Vanity 50% Hypersensitivity 63% Female cliche 43%

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Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Trait snapshot:
clean, self revealing, open, organized, outgoing, social, enjoys leadership and managing others, dominant, makes friends easily, does not like to be alone, assertive, hard working, finisher, optimistic, positive, likes to stand out, likes large parties, respects authority, practical, high self esteem, perfectionist, dislikes chaos, busy, not familiar with the dark side of life, controlling, high self control, traditional, tough, likes to fit in, conforming, brutally honest, takes precautions.

So, what results do you get?

11w4d - NT Scan today & new due date

I had my nuchal translucency ultrasound today. This u/s is useful with some blood tests to help adjust odds for Trisomies, including Down Syndrome. The NT measurement ideally is below 3, our measurement was about 1.7mm, so a very nice result. We'll get the adjusted odds later after the blood has been analyzed too. My standard odds based on my age are about 1/300.

They did notice that the baby has a large bladder. This could be nothing or it could be something. It could be that the baby needed to pee and just hasn't yet, or it could be that there is a slight blockage in the urethra making it difficult to empty the bladder. We'll go back next week to take another look as see if the bladder is getting bigger. Hopefully it will be smaller by next week and we'll be in the clear. If it's bigger, then we'll probably come back again in a week to track the measurement. They said that one measurement isn't very useful, that they need to see the trend to know if there is an issue or not. The doctor said that they see this a lot and almost always it resolves itself by the next look.

They adjusted my due date based on the measurements today, so once again, I get to essentially skip a week of pregnancy!! Yippee!! I was about 11w3d based on my ovulation date today and baby measured at 12w3d, so my new due date is July 8, 2007. My OB likes to do repeat c-sections (which I'll probably end up with) about a week or so early, so we're more likely looking at a due date in the first week of July. Fine with me, that's before most of the heat hits around here!

Hubby and I thought we might have seen a penis today. The u/s tech said it's too early to say, which we know, but still. The doctor admonished us to not assume anything - that increased estrogen from me can cause more swelling of the genitals in the baby and what looks like a small penis could very easily be an enlarged clitoris at this point. He said that a friend of his and her husband came in for an u/s. Her husband is a radiologist and he was convinced that he saw a penis and was quite surprised at her 20wk u/s that they were having a girl. So, we still don't know gender yet. Maybe we'll see more next week, but not counting on it that's for sure. My acupuncturist still says girl, so we'll see.

Overall, it was a great appointment, even with our inconclusive bladder results. My parents are still in town and were able to come with us and see their last grandbaby on ultrasound which I know was very special for them. I do have some pics, but still haven't found a working scanner to be able to scan them in. I promise to work harder on that this week. I want to scan the pics before they start to naturally darken up.

11w2d - That was a weird dream.

I've had a few weird dreams with this pregnancy, but last night's was the oddest so far. And the fact that I remember it so clearly, even now, is unusual for me.

I dreamt that someone sent me a real live stork as a present (symbolism, much?). It was a juvenile one and it came with a few baby presents, all in pink. Apparently, someone thinks for sure I am having a girl. (That would be good!) I couldn't figure out who had sent this gift so I was looking through the paperwork that came with it and there was info about how the stork would eventually need to migrate back to it's own home and depending on where you lived and the time of year and what type of stork you received, it would migrate at different times. My stork was going to need to stay with us until May-early June (I'm due in mid-July). Then, at that time, I'd have to find a very tall building or tree or something and take the stork to the top to release it so it could find it's way home. There was a diagram included showing possible options for the release point. In searching through all the paperwork, I came across a name that I recognized and figured it had to be the person who sent this gift to me. The name was James Denton. Yes, the actor who plays Mike on Desperate Housewives. Why him? I haven't the earthliest clue. I mean, he's pretty darn cute and all, but I have no idea why he ended up in my dream. I could only deduce that he was a reader of this very blog and that was how he knew that I'm pregnant. I planned to put up a post thanking J.D. for the lovely gift.

Ok, let's analyze this one and see if we can figure out what it means. Any ideas?

10w5d - Ahhh, heat is good...so is a doppler

I'm happy to report that as of yesterday afternoon, our power was restored. Five nights of no power, no heat, no phones (VoIP doesn't work w/o power), no TV, no internet is just insane. Yes, I know others have had it worse and I feel for them, but this was my situation and I was soooo over it after about 2 days of 'camping in'. And it didn't help that the temps were dropping into the 20's overnight - BRRRR!!!

And on even better news, my doppler just arrived and I found the heartbeat!!!!! S/he moved after a few seconds and was hiding, so I couldn't measure it. Also, I swear I rented the digital version so I wouldn't have to count heartbeats, but I need to confirm that. Yay! My baby is still alive!!

9w5d - It's good to be back.

I finally got back to yoga class on Tuesday for the first time in a few weeks. I didn't realize how much my body missed it until after class. I just feel so much better when I've moved my body a bit.

We were snowed in a couple of weeks ago and Not So Wee One's preschool was cancelled. Not that I could get out of town to get to the gym with the ice on the roads either. Then, there was the field trip to a pottery studio where NSWO slapped some paint on a snowman and I painted the other two ornaments. And last Thursday was my day to work in the classroom so I missed yoga yet again.

I was happy to find that I hadn't lost too much in the way of flexibility and now that the nausea is gone (knock wood!) class was very enjoyable physically. There was some bad news too though. Another gal in the class who was pregnant with identical twins lost them at about 20 weeks to TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome). She seems to be doing amazingly well given the circumstances. Yoga provides a safe haven for her I think. I know it did for me after my loss in May.

My teacher gave me a very nice compliment yesterday too. He was giving me a pose to do for a bit while everyone else was doing their warm-up which I don't do while pregnant. Even though it's been a few weeks, I remembered exactly the plan and got right to it. He said that I have a really good memory for this stuff, including the sanskrit names for poses and that I should consider teaching someday. Very kind. I feel like I'd have to practice yoga a lot longer and achieve a higher level of proficiency before I should be teaching, but apparently you don't have to be able to do all the poses perfectly to understand them and be able to help others understand them too. Who knows what the future might bring, but it was sure flattering. Especially from him. We practice Iyengar yoga first founded by B.K.S. Iyengar and my teacher's teacher studied with B.K.S. Iyengar himself, so I guess there are only 3 degrees of separation between me and this renowned yoga master. That's pretty darn cool. Not that it's helped me with my arm balances yet. Oh well, all in good time, right?

8w6d - 1 hour glucose screening test results

I am OVER THE MOON to be able to tell you that I passed my glucose screening test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not diabetic - yet.

Back with NSWO, I did the 1 hr test at 25 wks due to a large family history of diabetes and failed with a score of 175 - ouch! Yesterday's test result was a mere 75, so my cute little pancreas is handling things just fine for now. The midwife said I don't need to repeat until 28 weeks.

I swear I feel about 15 lbs lighter right now!

8w5d - 2nd ultrasound report

Today was our 2nd u/s and I'm very happy to report that all is well. The baby is measuring exactly at 8w5d and the heartbeat measured at 176bpm which is wonderful! We've got some more u/s pics of the blob-looking thing and as soon as we can figure out a scanner, I'll post them.

I'm officially released from the care of the RE which is such a great feeling.

I also did the 1hr glucose test today and thought I'd timed it well to drink the orange junk in the car at 9:15am, do the u/s at 9:30am and have plenty of time to walk the 2 min to the lab for the blood draw at 10:15am. That would have worked out perfectly except that the RE was running 30 min late this morning. I've had great luck lately at this time of day and haven't had to wait more than 10-15 min to go in, but today not so much. I got thru the u/s (time stood still there for a few minutes) and raced up to the lab and made it with 2 min to spare. Whew! I did NOT want to have to come back another day to do that test again. I'll hear later this week what the results were. Keep your fingers crossed, ok? I really don't want to be diabetic already.

Today, I finally allowed myself to have the thought, "I'm going to have a baby!" Hehe.

8w3d - a significant milestone

To most pregnant women, 8 weeks & 3 days is probably just another day in a pregnancy. For me, it holds some pretty big significance. Last time I was pregnant, 8w3d was the last day I was pregnant. The ultrasound at 8w2d showed that the heartbeat we'd seen the week prior was gone. They were able to get me in for the D&C the next day. At 8w3d, I started out the day technically still pregnant, but by the end of the day, I was not.

This time, 8w3d has a better outcome so far. I have another ultrasound on Wednesday (8w5d) with the RE and I'm hopeful that everything will show up just fine. I got myself a bit freaked this weekend when on Saturday, I woke up and suddenly the nausea and constipation were gone. Nothing like a sudden lack of symptoms to make a pregnant lady assume the worst. Especially when the worst has happened before.

Also, today, I had my first appointment with the midwife practice. I am hoping to be able to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) with this one and figured that if I was with a midwife I'd have a better chance at achieving that goal. The CNMs (certified nurse-midwives) are in the same practice as my former OB, so I'd also have access to OBs if needed. Unfortunately, the MW informed me today that if my gestational diabetes comes back and I end up on insulin again that they won't be able to allow me to try a VBAC due to their insurance limitations. Apparently, there's too much of a risk that the baby will be too big due to the GD and the risk is more than their insurance company will allow. I think the final decision is ultimately based on u/s measurements late in the pregnancy, but odds are, I'll have a baby that is estimated to weigh too much. The cut-off is 4000 grams (8.5 lbs). NSWO was 8.5 lbs and 2nd babies are often bigger. So, I may be out of a VBAC before we even start.

I also have to do the glucose screening test this week. Yes, at only 8-9 weeks pregnant, I have to check to see if I'm already diabetic, this is usually done at about 26-28 weeks. I guess for some, it comes on way early in subsequent pregnancies. Gosh I sure hope not - that would S-U-C-K! It was hard enough being diabetic for 3-4 months, doing it for 7 months would not be fun at all. I feel for people who are diabetic all the time - so rough. I'll probably do the test on Wednesday since I'll be up at the hospital for the ultrasound anyway. Wish me luck.

Just in case I am already diabetic (which would mean no VBAC for me) I also made an appointment with a highly regarded OB in a different practice. I have several friends who saw him or are seeing him for their prenatal care and he's supposed to be THE GUY to go to if you need surgery. Trying to keep all my bases covered.

The nausea is still pretty much gone, although the grocery store tonight was a bit more than I could handle, so I'm happy to mostly have my tummy back to normal. The fatigue is starting to take over as the strongest symptom now. That's ok, napping is fun.

8w0d - P.U. (Pregnancy Un-pleasantries)

I debated whether or not to even post about this topic because it's just not very pleasant, but in the spirit of documenting this pregnancy, I decided to risk the humiliation. Besides, it's not even my fault.

So, I've been dealing with nausea for a couple of weeks now. It comes and goes, and when it's here (most of the day really) it's relatively mild. This is tolerable so far, and expected really. What I didn't expect is the constant constipation. I mean, I sort of did expect it because I do get backed up in my luteal phase, but this is a bit more than I'd reckoned for. I'm on psyllium husk capsules (4/day) for extra fiber, stool softeners (2/day), and upping the fluid intake to try and help. I've even taken to having either Raisin Bran or Grape Nuts (aka Colon Blow) for breakfast every day to attempt and battle the beast that is stuck within. So far, it's not making much of a difference. And when I get too backed up, it makes the nausea worse.

But the absolute worst side effect of the constipation is the gas that gets trapped because of it. When that stuff escapes it's downright frightening. I've actually had the dog whimper and move off my lap. The dog! They come out of nowhere and are the worst SBDs (silent but deadly) known to mankind. I have no control over when they will escape and I quite literally have to leave the room when they do because the stench is so strong that it makes me want to hurl. I think I need to start carrying a box of matches around with me. At least until Beelzebub finally makes his way out of my colon for good.

My poor Hubby, it's worst at night in bed too and I apparently woke him up from a deep sleep the other night. He's been out of town for a few days and the relief I have felt from not worrying about my stinkiness bothering anyone else has enabled me to get some much needed rest.

We have decided to nickname the baby "The Bean" in honor of this oh-so-lovely symptom. Fitting, don't you think?

Ok, so there you have it. My pregnancy un-pleasantries all laid out for you to laugh at, gag at, whatever. Enjoy. P.U. indeed!

7w3d - Yea for my blog friends! Yea for my blog friends!

Yes, I meant to repeat that title. I have TWO (count 'em TWO) blog friends who are also pregnant and due near me, Alli & Heather. Well, both of them found out today that they are each having TWO babies!! Yep, both of them are incubating twins! How awesome is that??

Some of you might be thinking that I might feel left out of this perfect trifecta, but you know what? You'd be wrong. I have no desire for twins and am happy beyond words for both of them (both of them) and even happier that I'll get to experience their twin pregnancies from a slight distance.

What a great Monday update! And we're having snow - even out here in the valley. Fun stuff.

6w5d - We Have a Heartbeat!

First ultrasound was today. I was so scared heading into it that it was going to be either a blighted ovum or twins. I wasn't sure which was the better option of those. I'm so very happy to report that there is only one baby and it's tucked in nice and high in the uterus with a heartbeat of 128bpm. I was measuring about 2 days ahead too. Doesn't really mean much to measure a couple of days ahead given the margin of error with the machine, but it's always better to measure ahead than behind. We go back in two weeks for a 2nd ultrasound and if all is well, I get officially released to the OB - well, midwives.

Hubby and I both let out a big sigh at the same time and then laughed and looked at each other. "We're going to have another baby. Hehe." We know we're not completely out of the woods yet, but with a normal heart rhythm, our odds for miscarriage drop to like 3-5% depending on who you ask. I sure hope this is the beginning of only positive things for this pregnancy.

NSWO was so cute the other day. We were at a friend's house who has 5 mo old twin girls from her 2nd round of Clo*mid. I was holding one of the girls and NSWO walks over and says, "Ahhhh, she's so cute." Then he turns to my friend and says, "My mommy's going to have another baby." Now, realize we hadn't told him anything officially, but he obviously picked up on it. My friend asks him, "Are you going to be a big brother?" His response, "Well, not THIS week." Gotta love kid logic.

UPDATE - we do have ultrasound pics, but the scanner is buried in the garage. I'll try to post a pic ASAP.

6w2d - Now this is different.

Well, the nausea is officially here. Not too bad, hoping it doesn't get too much worse in the coming weeks. I didn't have any with Not-So-Wee-One (save for a more sensitive gag reflex while brushing teeth) so this is all new to me. It's been building up slowly over the last few days and most of the time it's just a mild anxious/nervous stomach. I made an Italian meatloaf a couple days ago and it was soooo yummy. I tried to eat some leftovers the next day and could only get 3 bites in. Then today, Hubby heats up the last of the leftovers and I literally couldn't handle the smell and made him take it up into the office upstairs to eat it. Then I had to turn on the exhaust fan to clear out the smell. It hasn't affected my appetite yet though, I'm constantly starving! Just have to figure out what to eat that won't make me feel ill. Mac-n-cheese hit the spot today. Thanks to NSWO for suggesting it.

I'm pretty scared for the ultrasound on Wednesday. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but part of me is also preparing for the possible worst. I have no reason to think that there is anything wrong with this pregnancy, but I didn't last time either and that's what bugs me the most. I'm trying to hold onto the fact that the nausea is new and hopefully that means good things for the pregnancy, but still...Can't I just go to sleep and wake up on Wednesday at the clinic? Is that asking too much?

I probably wouldn't sleep well anyway. The past couple of nights, the insomnia is back too. I wake up to roll over or something and my silly brain gets latched onto something and won't let me go back to sleep. Last night it was the guest room. We live in a 4 bedroom house and right now the allotment is; our room, NSWO's room, guest room, and office. If this baby is another boy, we'll put him in NSWO's room, move NSWO to the current guest room and need to combine the office & guest room into the current office. (If this baby is a girl, she gets the current guest room and NSWO will stay in his room. Less re-painting to do that way.) The problem is, the office isn't that big to accommodate a queen size guest bed, desk and the TV that Hubby wants to put in there when he gets a new on for the family room. (Don't ask. :rolling eyes:) We have thought about doing a Murphy Bed in that room so that the majority of floor space could be used for play space since we don't have guests all that often, but when we do, they need a real bed. My brain went around in circles last night off and on for about 2.5 hrs trying to figure out a solution to this problem. Why? I have no earthly clue. When I got up this morning, the 'problem' didn't even bother me much, so why did I obsess about it last night? To rob me of valuable sleep I guess. I'm still no closer to a solution. Man, I hope my brain doesn't do that again tonight, I could really use some better sleep.

6w0d - Good things happen in threes too!

You know how people say that bad news comes in 3s? Well, it turns out that good news does too. Congratulations to Alli who also got her BFP this week. That makes three of us in the Seattle area who are all due within a week of each other. How cool is that?

Ladies, this is going to be quite a ride, so glad to be able be on the ride with you.

5w0d - Pinch me.

This still doesn't seem real. I am officially 5weeks pregnant today and aside from a few mild symptoms, I feel exactly the same. I've had some pretty intense hot flashes which started even before I knew I was pregnant. At swim class, the pool area is heated for the comfort of the swimmers, but when you're pregnant with extra progesterone flowing thru the veins, it's not comfortable to be in there for long. By the time we left I looked like I'd applied my blush with a mop, my cheeks were sooo pink. I'm still getting occasional pinching & pulling cramps and my breasts get pretty tender every once in a while. And my pants are already starting to not fit right. This happened with NSWO too, pretty much the day the test was positive, I was bloated enough to not fit into my jeans. I'm actually very glad to have these symptoms though because it helps me feel more at ease and hopeful that this pregnancy is going to stick around.

But overall, I feel so normal and not pregnant. I may be changing my tune in a couple of weeks when morning sickness typically sets in. I never got it with NSWO, so I'm hopeful to be able to avoid it again, but if that's what it takes to get a healthy baby, I'll take it I guess.

I also wanted to send out a HUGE congratulations to Heather who found out this week that her IVF was successful and from the look of her betas, I'd say VERY successful. Way to go girlfriend!

4w4d - 5 things you may not know about me.

I've been tagged by Heather to write a post including 5 things you may not know about me, so here goes:

1. I played the cello for over 10 years. I started in 5th grade when the cello was bigger than me. I had to take that thing on the school bus twice a week. It is NOT easy to get a full-sized cello onto a school bus, trust me. I played thru part of college (scholarship helped pay tuition) until my major got too busy to allow time for it.

2. My major at university was Musical Theatre. Yep, I did it all, singing, acting, and dancing. I decided to stop doing it professionally after a stint doing dinner theater (ACK!) in Boca Raton. That was enough to make me not need to do that for a living any more.

3. I'm tall. See, all of you are out there over the internet and you have no idea about stuff like that. It seems like such an obvious thing about a person, but not necessarily. So, yeah, I'm 6 feet tall. I could have been shorter - my mom is only 5'2". I could have been taller though - my dad is 6'6". I was average-sized until Jr High when I grew 6 inches in the course of 8-9 months. That hurt like a mother-fucker!

4. I don't LOVE chocolate. I enjoy a nice Milky Way every now and then, but it's more for the caramel than the chocolate. I still have a lot of Halloween candy in my garage and not much of an interest in eating it. Now, the Chewy Sweet-tarts and Hot Tamales I had before Halloween? Let's just say none of them made it into a trick-or-treater's bag!

5. Before college, I was trying to decide between Theater and Medicine for a career. Somehow I got it in my head that I could always play a doctor on TV and that would be enough. Looking back, I should have chosen medicine. I swear I know more than most of the nurses at the IVF clinic (well, not all of them, a few are pretty darn cool). Maybe once this baby is old enough I'll go back to school to be a nurse or nurse-midwife. That would be cool, except for the crappy hours, but oh well, can't have it all.

Ok, so now I get to tag some folks:
Heather (a different one)
Alli (just cause she's so darn cute)
Beth (if her stomach will let her)
S (I don't think I've ever seen her post her name, hmm....)
Gabby (I think she could use a silly thing to post about)

Enjoy ladies.

4w3d - 2nd beta results - still looking good

My beta today went up to 592 which puts the doubling time at 57 hours. Well within the range of normal.

First ultrasound is November 22. I'll be nearly 7 weeks by then so we should be able to see a nice strong heartbeat (oh please, oh please, oh please!).

4w1d - 1st beta is good

With NSWO, my 15dpo beta was 407. Today, this bean's 15dpo beta is 331. My progesterone is >20 so I don't need to supplement either -whew! I go in for a repeat on Monday.

4w1d - Did I have any clue? No, not really.

As for any symptoms or indication that I might be KU - my chart has been crazy good this cycle. Temps in the 99's lately and they've just gone up and up. That was my strongest hint, but I've had charts where my temps stayed up until 15dpo (today) the day AF is due and then they plummet, so I was trying not to count on anything. I've had a lot of little pinching cramps too, but kept vacilating between thinking it was early pg ones or more cysts popping up. I had convinced myself that the test was going to be white, and that I'd have cysts again and not get to do IVF either.

Night before last (13dpo) I was so tired and felt feverish all day long. I wanted to crawl into bed right after NSWO at 8pm, but Hubby convinced me to stay awake for Grey's Anatomy. Then at about 2am I woke up and had to pee (sometimes happens, not really a sign) but then I could NOT get back to sleep for hours!! This made me suspect too since it happened in March and probably in 02 with NSWO. That seems to be a trend for now cause I was up from 2-4 this morning again.

I actually had a dream about getting morning sickness last night. Let's hope it's not prophetic. I was able to get thru pg with NSWO with no real m/s and I'd love a repeat of that.

Well, NSWO and I have a birthday party to get to and I have to swing by the clinic this morning for my beta. I'll post my results when I get them. Wish me luck.

4w0d - No way!

I don't exactly know what to say, so I'll just let a picture be worth a thousand words.


Today is 14dpo. I was/am supposed to start AF tomorrow and do cd2 baseline stuff on Sunday. Instead, I'm going in tomorrow morning for a beta. Who'da thunk it?

ETA - This is my horoscope for today. Thought it was neat.

Try to come to a place of serenity today, dear Cancer, in which you free yourself from desire and jealousy. It is important that you take time to recognize the incredible growth that can spring forth from this position of calm and pure satisfaction. Rid yourself of excess baggage that you cling to as some sort of support or means of comfort. The less you carry, the more you free up your arms to create.

Finally got the pics off the camera

Hubby usually takes care of the pics, but I was able to get to these pics and wanted to post them.

The top one is of me and NSWO at Chuck E Cheez, one of his new favorite places.

This one on the near left is of me and NSWO at the pumpkin patch earlier this month. Obviously, this is before the weather turned cold and nasty around here. This morning was actually below freezing. I'm not ready for that yet.

It's a good thing that NSWOs halloween costume is warm. Could he BE any cuter?

Not much going on around here right now, the drugs for the IVF will be here tomorrow (got to make sure I'm home when the delivery guy gets here) and just waiting until the weekend when my cycle should start up again and I go in for a baseline ultrasound.

If the weather is like today, it's going to be friggin cold. I think I'll let Hubby take NSWO out trick-or-treating. Hehe. I'll stay at the house with the insane clown doggy who will go ape shit everytime someone comes to the door. Not sure who's getting the worse chore.

Where did October go, by the way?

Know-It-Alls

So, I have to tell you what happened to me at dinner tonight. Hubby is out of town on business so it was just NSWO and me. We're at the local mexican place and there is a table of teenagers near us and this woman who apparently knows all of them ends up at the booth next to their table. Since her other person isn't there yet, she pops over and chats with the teens for a bit. In the conversation, she's telling them about someone they all know. She mentions that this other kid is an only child with a tone that says she doesn't see this as a good thing. Then she interrupts her story to admonish these teens, "DON'T have an only child. Just don't."

I couldn't believe my ears. First off, how in the world does she get off assuming all only kids are hellions? I debated saying something to her for about 10 minutes. When the teens food showed up and she got up to go to her table, she walked right by me, so I decided to mention it to her. I politely said, "I'm sure you didn't mean to offend, but you made a comment earlier to not have an only child. You should know that some people don't CHOOSE that." She immediately apologized and said that she hadn't meant to offend. I smiled and said, "I'm sure you didn't. It's a bit of a sensitive topic for me because we've been trying for over 2 years to give him a sibling [refering to my son sitting next to me] and we've had no luck." Next, she asks me with a concerned, helpful face, "Have you tried taking your temperature?" Seriously, that's what she said.

Now, it's important to the story at this point to mention that this lady was VERY large. Surely morbidly obese. I know, because many of my aunts and uncles are also morbidly obese officially. What I wanted to say to this oh-so-helpful know-it-all was, Yes, you gigantic cow, I HAVE tried taking my temperature. Have you tried eating less? But I was good. What I actually said was, "Hmm, yes, I have tried taking my temperature, that's what got me him. I've tried IVF and it didn't work." She just smiled and said, well, you're very lucky to have him. I couldn't agree with her more.

Just one more example of how much people outside of the infertility world JUST DON'T GET IT.

The drugs are on their way, almost.

After working out details with the insurance company on reimbursement, I have officially ordered the drugs for this cycle. I've got most of the stuff I need from last cycle still, but need to get the big guns replaced. I'm doing Gonal=F again, but this time I had them call in an order for only the 300IU pens (vs. the 900IU pens from last time) it will mean more than one needle poke for each dose, but who cares. Each pen is overfilled slightly to ensure that you get at least the full amount and the overfill is about 50-75IU for each pen. That means that for every 4th 300IU pen, I essentially get a free pen. Considering the pens cost about $200 each, that's a lot of free drugs. So, I have 9 of those suckers on the way with a refill for 9 more if I need them. Ka-ching!

I went to visit my friend Kathy last night and bring them dinner. This is the friend who just had baby #2 a week or so ago and who's son is NSWO's best friend. NSWO was having quite a 3yr old day yesterday and trying my last nerve. It got to the point where I was thinking to myself, "do I really want a 2nd one?". But holding the little baby last night reminded me that yes, I do. Even with how hard it's going to be having more than one, I really DO want it. She is sooo tiny. And quiet. And soft. I got to hold her a lot and even changed a diaper and fed her a bottle. She's having a little trouble keeping weight on and isn't latching on yet, so Kathy is pumping and bottlefeeding the breastmilk. Oy, that's a lot of work. I'd forgotten just how tiny those newborn diapers are, unbelievable. NSWO was 8lbs 8oz at birth, so I never got to hold one so tiny and it was just magical. I was worried that it would be hard on me since I should be about 33-34 wks pg right now and Kathy and I would be pg with little girls together who could grow up to be best friends just like our sons. I was happily surprised that it wasn't hard at all, it was nothing but joyful for me. I can't wait until I get to go visit again.

We have a confirmed ovulation

My temps have been elevated for the last 3 days so Fertility Friend says I ovulated on Friday. I could have told you that based on the bloating, pressure and cramping I had that night. Oh boy, I haven't had that much discomfort with ovulation since I was on clomid.

I'm so happy that my body seems to have returned to normal, for now. I can actually plan ahead for my IVF next month with more certainty.

I'm not totally broken afterall!

I got a positive OPK (ovulation predictor test) today. Normally, this would be a fairly routine happening for a woman TTC, but for me, this is BIG NEWS! I haven't seen one of these things go ++ all year. Seriously, in January, I did the CCCT (clomiphene citrate challenge test) and we did a trigger shot with that cycle for the IUI so, technically, the +OPK was from the trigger shot, not a naturally occurring surge in LH (lutienizing hormone - causes the egg to go thru final maturation and release from the follicle). Even the cycle in March when I got pregnant, I didn't see a +OPK, although obviously, I did ovulate since I got pregnant.

So, it's been nearly a year since I've had a +OPK so today is reason to celebrate!! I'm temping, so I'll need to wait a few days to confirm that ovulation did, in fact, take place. It's totally possible to get an LH surge, but not actually release an egg, but I'm confident that my body is finally back to 'normal'. We'll try to catch this egg, but not holding our breath. Mostly, I'm excited because my hormones seem to be working better and I'm hopeful that my cysts will have finally resolved themselves so I can get a clear baseline u/s for IVF next month. Please, oh please, oh please.

A year ago...

This post was inspired by Heather over at BigP and Me. A year ago I was starting to get frustrated at my body. My cycles had been like clockwork ever since NSWO was born. I hardly monitored anything. I'd mark cd1 on my calendar and count out 26 days and make a note: AF? on what day I could expect as my next cd1. Around cd11-12, I'd make a note of ewcm if/when I noticed it and that was it. Then, in July, that all changed. I was getting ready to POAS on an OPK on cd9 and holy crap! AF is here already? Yes, I had an 8 day cycle. Well, that's just not normal, so out of storage came the ol' thermometer, you know the purple one made by BD that lights up so you can read it in the dark. I hadn't used that thing since we were TTC NWSO. My cycles haven't been 'normal' for more than 1-2 cycles in a row since. Either I'd ovulate late, or not at all, then the next cycle, on time.

A year ago, I went into my OBGYN for my annual pap smear and pelvic exam. I brought up my wonky cycles and she blew me off. "I've had my cycles thrown off from very small stressors, I'm sure it's fine." Boy was she wrong! I pushed for Clomid anyway and she obliged me but didn't monitor me at all. I should have insisted on cd3 ultrasounds to check for cysts and bloodwork to check hormone levels before we ever started messing around with fertility drugs. My bad, but I didn't know better. Heck, I didn't even see why I should see an RE, it's not like I was infertile or anything, I was just having wonky cycles. All I needed was to ensure ovulation and I'd be pregnant in no time. That's just what my OBGYN thought too. In fact, she told me she was sure I'd be pregnant before the 3 rounds of clomid were up. I wasn't.

A year ago, I was starting to think about preschools and deciding which one I should enroll NSWO into. Montessori seemed like such a great idea, and then I saw how much it costs! Um, yeah, we'll go to one closer to home. It's a co-op with the local community college so parents 'work' in the classroom one day per month. Technically, I'm enrolled in a parent education class at the college and the classroom time is my lab time. NSWO loves it and we love it too. Plus, it's waaaaaay cheaper than Montessori - we'll save that money for college where it will make a bigger difference.

A year ago, I never dreamed I'd be here now and not pregnant.

How about you, where were you a year ago?

Heaven has another angel today.

Manuela and her husband and dealing with the worst kind of grief today and can use your love and prayers.

Sunday, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. If it fits with your belief system, please light a candle for those that were lost too soon. I'll be lighting 2 candles for my angels and I'm adding one for Manuela's too.

Dissonance as a sign of progress?

I had acupuncture today and it's been just over a week since my last treatment. Last time, I was very depressed about the cycle review meeting with the Dr. O. My acupuncturist did a treatment to help me let go and move on both physically and mentally. It worked. Not only did my period show up without needing any drugs, but mentally, I've been much more relaxed and at ease with this whole IF thing for the past week. I'm allowing myself to imagine both possible outcomes of the IVF. One, it works, and we get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. Two, it doesn't work and we learn to move on as a family of three.

Option 2 is, of course, not the ideal outcome. But with this path, comes some benefits along with the obvious grief and mourning the loss of what will not be. As a family of three, we will be able to travel more freely (and cheaply) to visit family and other parts of the world. Hubby mentioned the other day the idea of trying to save up and spend our 10th anniversary in France and Italy. If there are two kids, we'll be able to leave them with a grandparent most likely, but if it's just the three of us, we can take not-so-wee-one with us. He'd be about 7 by then, a good age for international travel I would think.

Option 1 is still the ideal, but even being the ideal situation doesn't shield it from it's fair share of heartaches and emotional/physical strife. For example, I don't really do pregnancy very well. I get uncomfortable before the 2nd trimester is done and the gestational diabetes makes the third trimester a pain in the ass. This is assuming that I don't get morning sickness or worse like a few of my online friends who are suffering thru HG (hyperemesis gravidarum). Then, once baby gets here, if I am not able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean), I'll have to heal up from from the c-section while tending to a baby and a preschooler. The sleep deprivation isn't something to take lightly either. There's a reason it's a form of torture - it's very effective. And not all babies are good sleepers. NSWO wasn't a horrible sleeper, but he wasn't a good one until I stopped working and focused on his sleeping habits. I'd have to do all of that again with another one.

But the thing is, I've done it once and when you're in the middle of the hard parts, it feels like you'll be there forever, but soon, you're past it and looking back, it's not that bad. Now that I've been thru it once, I'll be better able to understand that 'it's just a phase' and if you hold on long enough, it too shall pass.

So, at acupuncture today, Lee did a back treatment to increase blood flow to the ovaries to help them function at their best. While I laid there on the table, she had this CD playing of traditional asian-sounding music. (Don't really know how best to put that, but I hope you get the idea.) Anyway, at one point, this guitar-type instrument is playing two notes that are very close to each other creating a very sharp dissonance. Almost what it sounds like when you tune a stringed instrument. I played the cello for years, so that sound is very specific to me. Then, it struck me as a bit of an epiphany. When tuning an instrument, the sound is never more dissonant and uncomfortable than when it is just shy of being in tune. Maybe all the emotional discomfort I've been experiencing over the last weeks/months is the dissonance that happens right before everything is in tune.

Patience pays off

Dr. O didn't want me to try any drugs to get this cycle to end since it didn't help get rid of the cysts the two times we tried it before. So, I needed to wait it out. I've been doing a lot of waiting this year and was not looking forward to the idea of having to do more of it. Well, it seems to have paid off. The cycle ended all on it's own today. Now, I'm hoping that this current cycle is finally 'normal'. Only time will tell, I guess I'll just have to wait. Ah, the irony of it all!

Rose colored glasses

It has recently come to my attention that the majority of my blog posts lately have been downers. Well, sorry, but that's what's going on that I feel like blogging about. Afterall, it's my blog, right?

But, I don't want everyone out there to think that I'm totally down in the dumps. I spend at least 80% of my day feeling fine. So, in honor of my majority good moods, I offer you a positive, happy post.

Not So Wee One is loving preschool. I still need to get the pics off of Hubby's big fancy camera so I can post one of him on his first day, sorry it's taken so long. (Hubby, if you're reading this, I'd love your help.) The preschool he's going to is a co-op which means that parents help out in the classroom at least one day per month. We also have a committee job to do. I picked classroom support b/c it seemed to have the least amount of evening time commitment. I help organize the library of books and keep things stocked in the supply closet. Turns out, another part of this job is making the playdough every week. I didn't know this when I took the job, but it's actually pretty fun. For this week, we made tangerine colored dough and I put some cinnamon in it to help with the weird cooked flour smell it has. The teacher said that the kids loved it and that the playdough table has never been so popular. (Patting self on back) I decided to let NSWO pick the color for next week and he picked black. I think he's got a Halloween theme going on in his head.

Other NSWO news - we started up swim class again after a 2 week break and this session, he's in the Baby Grads class. This is the first level where the kids are in the water w/o a parent. (At 3?? How did he get so big?) At our first class last week, there were 4 kids - 1 boy who is still freaked and needed mom to come in with him, 1 girl who did ok but got distracted easily and didn't want to sit on the steps when the teacher asked, and 1 boy who would NOT listen at all (I see some medication in his future), and then NSWO who did great with listening to the teacher until the others kept getting away with stuff and then he'd want to try it too. I was a bit worried that he'd not learn much since the teacher spent so much time trying to get kids to listen that they were in the water for only a few minutes each. That's a lot of money for so little learning. Luckily, after class, the teacher pulled me aside and said that this class should really only have 3 kids in it and that rather than pull one of the others back a class, she thinks NSWO will learn more if he advances up to her Preschool class. This means that he gets to skip 2 levels!! Hubby and I are so proud! Today is his first day in the bigger kid class, I'm so excited b/c he really loves being in the water now and I think he's going to have so much fun. He found his goggles the other night which is great b/c they're good ones that actually fit him. He's got a big noggin, but still needs smaller eye cups than the youth goggles and child goggles are hard to find.

I think NSWO is starting to have terror nightmares. Probably related to starting preschool. Twice in the last week or so he's woken up during the night crying and even though his eyes are open, he's not really awake. Last night, I picked him up and rocked him and gently, but firmly told him to 'wake up' and before he could fully wake up, he let his bladder go, all over me and him. Poor guy, he hates peeing his pants and he had no control over it. I need to do some reading on best advice for handling night terrors. Anyone out there with good experiences to share? I know it's just a phase, but I hate seeing him so scared. We talked about a recent epidode of Blue's Clues we'd watched in which Joe taught one character to change her bad dream into something fun. She made scary stuff into a birthday party. I tried suggesting that to him, but I'm not sure how awake he was then. Poor guy.

Ok, that last part wasn't exactly a happy, cheery part of this post, I hope you'll forgive me for not being all perky. hehe

Bad news isn't ever easy to hear.

So, the appointment with the RE didn't go as well as I'd hoped. He doesn't want me to do anything to end this cycle. He doesn't want me to take any drugs to ensure an ovulation either. He thinks that these cysts are another symptom of my diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). My hormones are obviously not balanced and this is yet another side effect. He showed us a nice graph that a collegue of his pulled together that showed odds of success with IVF given my age and FSH level is at best 15%. FIFTEEN PERCENT with the biggest guns that modern medicine has to offer. Just for those of you a bit slower at arithmetic, that's 85% odds that we won't be successful with IVF. Talk about depressing. I guess I should be glad that at least he didn't mention donor eggs.

He said that we'll be very aggressive in treatment if I can get a clear baseline u/s. He doesn't expect a huge crop of eggs and thinks we'll get about 3-6 embryos at most. The DOR also means that the odds of chromosomal issues is higher than other 33 yr olds. My body should still do a good job of weeding out any bad ones by not implanting or miscarrying them (uplifting, eh?), so he encouraged us to consider putting back everything that we get. (If, by some miracle, I make a lot of eggs and we get a lot of embryos then obviously we won't put them all back.) We should be prepared to put back 3-5 embryos. This freaks Hubby out a LOT! I mean a LOT! I'm not nearly as scared about twins as he is and I know way too many gals from online groups that put back more than 2 embryos and did not end up with twins (if any). I also know a lot who got twins, but didn't deliver twins. Seeing two gestational sacs at a 7w u/s is certainly no guarantee of needing a double stroller.

Oh, and based on my DOR, if I get pg, I'll need to be treated as someone much older with regard to prenatal testing. I'll be encouraged to consider an amnio or other invasive testing.

I was alone in the car on the way home yesterday since Hubby met me there after work. It was good to have some time on my own to process a bit. I hope no one I know saw me b/c I was a mess. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" over and over. Crying uncontrollably. I haven't cried that hard since May 5 - the day my womb became empty again. I think it was crying out too.

This must be what quicksand is like.

Today is 18 days since my cycle was cancelled. This is the 37th day of this cycle. My last 2 cycles have been 43 days long and they only ended because we tried to 'trigger' the cysts with an injection of hCG. Now, I'm stuck again. Heck, even my acupuncturist said I have/had a 'liver-lung block'. This is basically stuck chi. The chi travels thru the body, ending in the liver and starting the cycle again in the lung. My chi is stuck in the liver and can't get going to the lungs again. Just like my cycle - stuck.

I have my follow-up appointment with the RE tomorrow afternoon. We'll talk about that attempt at an IVF cycle. How I did/didn't respond (mostly didn't) to the meds, the cysts, what to do next time. I'm going to ask them about the best way to get my cycle to get going again. I expect they'll say trigger again which is fine with me. The trigger worked in about 10 days and the alternative (Provera) usually takes 11-15 days. I'd like to get going sooner rather than later. I'm also going to ask about taking Letrozole (brand-name Femara) with the next cycle. I think that these cysts are partially caused because I'm not ovulating right. I haven't ovulated since I got pregnant in March. I am hoping that if I can ensure a 'normal' ovulation that my body will have a 'normal' luteal phase and be able to get rid of the cysts for good. I guess it depends on whether or not the RE thinks the Letrozole will run too much risk for further cysts. Who knows, maybe we'll try an IUI with it too, just for shits and giggles. Hey, it might work? Yeah, I'm not buying that either.

On a separate note, I need to post a pic of NSWO on his first day of preschool - he's too cute! Just need to get around to getting the poor pics off the camera!

I never was very good at the limbo.

In school, I couldn't do the limbo very well. I don't think my back is very flexible. Yoga is helping, but it's still not supple. I'm also not very good at being IN limbo. I have no idea what my body is doing right now. Did I try to O on the bcp? Did the stims royally screw up my hormones? Will this take a long time to get out of? I am sick of waiting and wondering.

Today was not a good day for me. I have several online friends that I'm in buddy groups with and there have been a few new BFPs this week. Usually I am sooo excited for my friends and take it as proof that people do come out of this infertility thing with a pregnancy to celebrate. Today, all I could muster was a congratulations and poor attempt at geniune interest. All I could think of was how sad I am that it's not me. I broke down today and sobbed for a while. Not the little welling up of tears and sniffles, but honest-to-goodness sobbing. I think I've been holding that in since the IVF was cancelled. I wish I could say that it made me feel better.

Not-So-Wee-One had a playdate this afternoon and the mom also has a 6 mo old little girl along with the 3 yr old boy. She confided in me today that she's having a hard time and thinks she's got a touch of post-partum depression. I told her my story about how when NSWO was about 1-2 weeks old I had a lot of anxiety and couldn't eat or sleep. I started meds, but when the anxiety lifted after just 2 doses I stopped meds (they couldn't be working already so it couldn't be from them) but probably should have stayed on them longer. The dark clouds finally lifted months later and I've been mostly fine since. Talking to her today just brought back memories of how hard that time was. I was not myself back then, I was sad, cranky, generally unhappy. I didn't take much pleasure in being a mom for quite a while and I feel a bit of guilt about that to this day. For the first time since we started working on a second child, I wonder if maybe we should just count our blessing and move on as we are. I want to cry just typing that sentence, but I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of what IF is doing to me physically and emotionally. I want this whole thing to be over but don't want to give up yet. A tiny, itty-bitty part of me wants to go thru the IVF and not get pregnant so that I can say we gave it our all and it just didn't happen. Then maybe I can get on with my life - you know life - that thing that happens while you're busy making plans. But what would I do with my time and energy if I'm not invested in this infertility thing? I feel like I can't move on with my life until this chapter is closed. I know that 2 years + isn't all that long compared to a lot of gals in the trenches, and if I didn't already have NSWO I know I'd want to endure longer.

But the fact is, I DO have NSWO and I just don't know how much longer I can wait around for resolution. I think if I was able to actively cycle I would feel different, but yet again, I'm forced to wait and I'm SO OVER IT! I waited all of May to recover from the m/c, then June-July-August was occupied by stupid cysts and now I have to sit around for October and maybe November before I can get going again.

I never was very good at the limbo. Not then, and not now.

I've been tagged!

Thanks Gabby for giving me something less depressing to post. I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Looking forward to the break. Had a REALLY nice red wine last night (thank you Lisa and Lewis), got coffee with the MOMS Club this morning, and have been eating Hot Tamales for lunch. Oh, and the welt on my tummy is gone.

Ok, for the tagging, I'm supposed to write something about 4 words of Gabby's choosing. My four words are: consult, motivate, thirst, and scholars.

Consult: I'm debating whether or not to consult another RE practice before the IVF in November. I feel very well cared for at my current clinic, but I feel like I ought to at least do a phone consult with one of the out of town REs who specialize in treating patients with highFSH.

Motivate: I need to figure out a way to motivate myself to get some projects done around the house during my break. NSWO’s bathroom still has this dreadful bear border in it and I want to get that off and re-paint at least. With NSWO starting pre-school soon I should be able to do the messy stuff uninterrupted.

Thirst: I am looking forward to quenching my thirst at dinner tonight with a Diet Coke with full caffeine. Being on a break does have it’s perks.

Scholars: I wish there were a bunch of scholars out there working on treatment for highFSH instead of the ‘hurry up and do IVF before you run out of eggs’ option that seems to be the predominant course of action currently. I realize that TCM/acupuncture is another option, but it would be nice if REs had more tools to choose from too.

Now, who to tag? I know - Shannon & Kim. Kim is recently back to her blogging (yippee!) and Shannon has yet to post any sort of update to hers. Maybe this will get them going again. Your four words are: chocolate, carry, confirm, and crimson. Have fun.

Status report = not good

I'm just going to put it out there at the beginning. I'm scared to death that they're going to cancel my cycle. I'm trying to be non-chalant about it and crap, but I'm not doing such a great job of really believing myself yet.

Had b/w on Tuesday (day 3 of stims) and my E2 had only gone from 25 to 31.6. Not much of a climb. But, slow and steady wins the race, right? Today was u/s & b/w. The Three Amigos are still there and getting a bit bigger, but not too out of control yet (at least that's the impression I got from the RE). Not much else happening on the R ovary (and I had such high hopes!). The left one has a few follicles and he went ahead and measured 2 of them, both <10 still though. I think there were 4 in total on that side. E2 has climbed to 85 though, so I'm hoping that things are finally waking up in there. I've shot myself up with over $1,000.00 worth of drugs so far, you'd think they could at least give me a little love.

Waiting to hear the instructions for tonight, I assume stay on the same dose. Good news is that tonight is my last Repronex injection, after that I'll be splitting up my daily GonalF dose into 2 injections. I'll be happy to see the Repronex go. The first couple weren't so bad, but the last 2 have left nice red welts on my belly and man is it sore! Holy crap! I just checked on the welt from last night and it's about 2 in in diameter. Yowza! Gotta find a new place to shoot that one tonight.

Physically, this isn't so bad yet. Probably b/c the follies are still small. I'm a lot more tired than usual, but then again, I'm getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to drive 45min to the clinic for monitoring so I can get home before too late so Hubby can get to work.

Emotionally, it's not so easy. I'm not nearly as cranky as with the Clomid (Hubby might disagree) but I'm a lot more sad. Not for any 'reason', but I find myself just - sad. For example, today, as I was leaving yoga class I realized that with not-so-wee-one starting preschool next week that I won't be back to yoga until my friend and I work out the carpooling thing. The kids are going to need some time to adjust to school so it's likely to be at least 2 weeks before I can get back to yoga. This made me very sad that I wouldn't be able to be there. I've missed 2 weeks in the past while out of town, but for some reason, this seems harder. Gotta love hormones.

UPDATE: I'm officially cancelled. They feel that the cysts/follicles are all that's growing and it would be pointless to dump more drugs in at this point. Now we wait until I get a period close to November 1 so I can try again. Pardon me while I go cry for a while. The more rational me will have to come by later.

First day of stims down

I've officially started my stims. 450IU of Gonal-F in the mornings and 150IU of Repronex in the evenings. The Gonal-F pen is very simple to use. I hope that when I get pregnant and need insulin again in the 3rd trimester that it comes in a pen like that. The Repronex is fine, but does burn a bit.

One day down, about 7-10 more to go.

Un-FREAKING-believable!

Well, I had my cyst check this morning. Aptly named really. They checked on the status of my 3 cysts. Yes, you read correctly - 3. The first 2 (the ones we aspirated) are smaller so hopefully on their way out, but a 3rd has now popped up. Un-freaking-believable! Waiting on b/w to see if there is any hope of continuing with the IVF at this point. I'm thinking NOT. Looks like I'll be waiting until November due to the lab closure during October. I'm not even sure I want to continue with where we are right now. I think that if I started stims, I'd lose any hope of getting decent eggs on the R ovary (my better producer) b/c of the cysts and the L one might not get to grow much if the cysts soak up the drugs. Great way to start a weekend. I'll update once I get b/w info and instructions from the clinic.

UPDATE: I got my b/w back, E2 is down to 25 which is great! I get to start stims in the morning - FINALLY!!! Get this, due to my FSH, I'm starting out with 450 of GonalF in the am, and 150 of Repronex in the PM. This is my STARTING dose. eeek! I go in for b/w on Tuesday. I'm officially in my IVF cycle!!!! DS and I had ice cream to celebrate - shhh! don't tell my acupuncturist! :D

Cysts suck. Aspirating them surgically sucks more.

Today was my suppression check. I've been on 11 days of birth control pills and we were hoping that the 15mm cyst would be gone. This is the cyst that has been plaguing me for the past 3 cycles. Well, it wasn't gone and it had grown AND recruited a buddy. 2 cysts at 23mm & 28mm. Crap!

I ended up going back in this afternoon so they could aspirate them both. My husband is out of town as of this morning so I had to scramble a bit to find someone to watch not-so-wee-one and wasn't able to find anyone who could drive me there and back. That meant that I had to do the aspiration WITHOUT ANY SEDATION! Yuck! (and ouch!)

The procedure was in some ways as bad as I had imagined and in others not so bad. The u/s wand had this attachment on it to hold/guide the needle and that was the part that hurt like a MF-er as it scraped along the vaginal wall. I don't know if it was because my body released endorphins from that pain or what, but I didn't even feel the needle at all. The pain lasted for about 15 sec so all in all, it wasn't that bad. Labor will be much longer!! LOL I took 2 extra strength Tylenol before and haven't needed anything afterwards which surprises me.

TMI alert - they got about 1/4 cup of yellow liquid from the 2 cysts, let's hope that takes away their punch. It was funny actually, they put my legs in these cradle things that holds them from the knee down and strapped me in. The Dr asked me when he first came in if I was going to be mad at him and I told him if he's quick I'll only be mad for a few seconds. Later I joked that the straps on my legs were to keep me from kicking him. Deep breathing & visualizing Kaanapaali Beach on Maui got me thru it and luckily it wasn't that long. The embryologist afterwards complimented me on my ability to "cowboy up" to the pain which gave me a good chuckle.

The good news (besides the fact that the cyst twins are now drained) is that they decided to change my protocol from MDL Flare to Antagonist. They are worried that the MDL will get the cysts to fire up again, so I go in on Saturday to see if they are for sure gone and if so, I start stims right off on Sunday. Once a follicle is up to about 14mm, then I'll add Antagon to keep from ovulating before retrieval. I'm very happy about this change as I wanted to do an Antagonist protocol from the beginning, but they wanted to try the MDL first.

Oddly enough, my E2 level from today was 225. Makes me wonder if that 2nd cyst wasn't actually a follie. They didn't measure my LH, so we don't know if I was surging or not. I'm on cd12 which was my old 'normal' O day before starting meds. That would just be the kicker - I'm predicted to be a poor responder due to FSH and they didn't want the bcp to over-suppress me. It's possible that the bcp didn't suppress me at all and I tried to O while taking them. Could I BE anymore messed up? LOL If I was gearing up to O, I don't know if having done what is essentially an egg retrieval today will throw things off for starting stims on Sunday. I'm hoping not, but we'll see. I still have about 5-7 antrals on the left and 3-4 on the right, so I think we'll be in a good place. If/when this IVF works, they'll have to write up a paper on how all these setbacks could translate into a new protocol. Antagonist + bcp + cyst aspiration.

I'm feeling MUCH more positive about things now that the cyst(s) are drained and we are going with the protocol I wanted in the first place. I hope that translates into good results with the rest of the cycle. Goodness knows I'm due for something to go my way.

Finally, a celeb fesses up!

I read today that Marcia Cross (star of Desparate Housewives) is pregnant with her first child - at 44. I'm very happy for her and wish her all the best. I hope they work the pregnancy into the show, it's always awkward when they try to hide it.

The reason I find this news worth a blog entry is that she was , dare I say, brave enough to talk about the use of donor eggs. So many celebrities allow their publicists to spin their later-in-life pregnancies as nothing out of the ordinary, and I suppose that's their right. It is their life after all. But, I really do believe that these celebrities are doing the rest of us a huge disservice by not being more forthcoming with what steps it took to achieve those pregnancies. Unfortunately, a lot of young women see these older celebs getting pregnant and think that they too will have many more years to start a family. For some that will be true, but for the majority of women, getting pregnant after 35 or 40 is WAAAAY tougher than we think it will be when we're 25 or 30.

I applaud Marcia Cross for coming our of the infertility closet and hopefully starting a dialogue that will not end until women everywhere are more educated about their own fertility so that fewer of us have to suffer thru infertility needlessly.

Laughing too hard to be embarrassed

Background: Until about a week ago, I drove a Silver Honda Pilot. I recently traded in the 03 model at the end of a lease and bought an 06 model in a different color.

I was at Costco this weekend picking up a 6' folding table and some chairs for our neighborhood BBQ. I got everything loaded up onto one of the flat carts and carefully navigated my way thru the parking lot and headed to the car. Trying to keep from steering the unwieldy table into other people or cars, I pull out the key and press the button to unlock it. I get the cart to stop rolling at the back of the car and open up the back hatch - and there are golf clubs in the back of my car! We don't own golf clubs and I'm trying to figure out why my husband put someone's golf clubs in the back of my car when I hear a man's voice say, "Um, this is my car."

I look up to realize that I had opened up the back hatch on a silver Pilot. Remember, I no longer own a silver Pilot. I look to my right and THERE is my grey Pilot. Right next to some guys silver Pilot. I'm laughing while I apologize and explain to this nice man that I'm not trying to steal his car, that my new one is right next to it, that I just traded in the silver one and that I'm obviously still looking for a silver Pilot in parking lots. He seemed to understand, but probably just thought I was a strange woman. Heck, I'm not even blonde. (well, not on the outside anyway).


Almost done with birth control pills, looking forward to my suppression check on Thursday. Hoping to see that the cyst is gone. I'm trying to follow the TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) diet to reduce dampness to help the cyst go away. This means cutting out as much dairy, sweets, wheat, eggs as possible. Man, this is not an easy diet, but all worth it if the cyst is gone.


My best friend in the entire world is pregnant with monoamniotic identical twin girls. She's been in the hospital on bed rest for about 6-7 weeks now and tomorrow, Tuesday, September 5 is the big day. She will deliver the girls by scheduled c-section and Regan is going to be a MOMMY!!!!! Congratulations girlfriend, I'm unbelievably happy for you. You made it!

Ugh! What a pain

This is a non-infertility related post. Well, mostly.

So, now that the IVF is a go, I realized I REALLY need to get my hair done before we get too far into this cycle. I know it's technically ok to get your hair colored during pregnancy and I did it with not-so-wee-one, but I'd prefer not to get it done during the 1st trimester. (I did with my last pregnancy and it didn't end so well.) So, that means, assuming this IVF works, now is my last chance for 3-4 months! And boy do I need my roots done. I finally remember to call the salon to make my appointment while I'm not in bed trying to sleep or driving in the car . I even get my calendar out and ready and narrow down the best day to get it done. And then I get the bad news. My colorist is no longer at that salon! CRAP! She's friggin' moved to Long Beach, CA! I can't go that far to get my hair colored!

Ok, so if you're a guy reading this, you're probably wondering what all the fuss is about, but most ladies will understand that when you find someone who is really good at coloring your hair that you become very loyal to them and can't imagine going to someone else. You know - the kind of colorist that just 'knows' what will be good for your hair. All I had to do was go in and tell her what I liked from last time, if I wanted to go lighter or darker and she'd go mix colors. She was so good that I could go three months between foils before it was really necessary to get it done again. And considering how much her prices had gone up over the years, that's a significant savings to be able to wait that long.

I feel like I just got dumped on the phone by a long-term boyfriend. And the worst part is that now I have to find someone else. I got married, in part, because I don't ever want to have to be out in the dating world again. (In addition to how much I love my husband, of course.) I was so happy with my colorist and now she has left me. And without as much as a goodbye foil. Sniff, sniff...

The IVF is a go!

After nearly 7 months, 1 failed IUI, 1 surprise pregnancy, 1 crushing miscarriage, and one stubborn cyst - I am doing my IVF cycle!!!

Today was my cd2 (cycle day 2) monitoring. I have 10 antral follicles (beginnings of follicles) which is very good for someone with highFSH. I still have one stubborn cyst, but it's getting smaller and isn't producing estrogen. My E2 (estrogen) level is 40, my FSH is 16.9. The FSH has gone up a bit since it was last measured in January. I guess I have to stop fooling myself that I am somehow NOT in diminished ovarian reserve status. Today's FSH confirms that I am. How weird to be only 33 and running out of eggs.

Anyway, I'm going to focus on my antral count and hope that the bcp (birth control pills) do a good job of shrinking the cyst with out over-suppressing the ovaries. Only time will tell I guess.

"It wasn't meant to be."

I really hate that phrase. I was at acupuncture today and Lee and I were talking about my revelation about my cysts and how they are my body's way of keeping me from a possible IVF failure. She was saying to me that while it's scary, I really need to allow myself to sit with the thought of "what if it doesn't work?". In part of this discussion, she said it. If it doesn't work, then maybe "it wasn't meant to be". To her defense, she even hesitated when she said it, but still. I told her that I really hate that phrase because it makes it sound like my fate is pre-determined by some higher power (God?) and no matter what I do, the outcome is already decided. I'll say it again - I HATE THAT! I'd much rather think about coming to terms with the idea that 'it's just not going to happen' than 'wasn't meant to be'. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I'd like to think that I have a bit of a say in what happens in my life. I do think that everything happens for a reason, but that we still get to help determine our lives. Anyone else get rubbed the wrong way by that phrase?

Yoga momma

I've been doing Iyengar (ee-YEN-gar) style hatha yoga for several years now and it never fails to amaze me how challenging it is, even to this day. There are just some poses that are so tough, and it's different for different people. For example, I've always been able to do shoulder stand - Salamba Sarvangasana but there are some people in my class that are way more advanced than me and they still struggle with this one. That's what I love about yoga, it's not about how good you are, it's about how you are doing and feeling on that day.

Lately, I've been having some breakthroughs in class and it's been just great. I've gotten up into handstand - Adho Mukha Vrksasana for the first time ever and now I can get up by myself. Next step - kick up with the other foot first! Somehow, achieving this pose opened up my perspective of what I can or can't do. Just this week, I was able to do a forearm balance called Pincha Mayurasana and even though I've been able to do a headstand - Salamba Sirsasana for years up against the wall, I was able to take my heels off the wall for a few seconds at a time! What a rush! This is from someone who STILL can't do a cartwheel.

Yoga was very good for me yesterday. We did a lot of backbends Urdhva Dhanurasana, which in the yoga perspective brings a lot of emotions to the forefront. The back is your past, the front is your future, so anything that focuses on the back brings your past towards your future - therefore into your present. It was very cathartic for me to verbalize that my body/I needed to let go of these cysts and that it's my fear of the IVF not working and being officially done TTC that is keeping me from moving on. As long as the IVF is in front of me, I'm still officially TTC. I'm scared of failing and giving up on my dream of another child. God, what if it doesn't work?

Tying one on for Infertility

I ran across this blog post and thought I'd share the info.

The Common Thread Project

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.

Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

Cysts R Us

Last cycle, if you recall, I got stuck w/o an egg and developed a nice big 35mm cyst on my right ovary that we triggered so that my period would start and I could move on to my IVF cycle (the one I didn't do b/c I was pg in March). Well, AF ambushed me too early on vacation and I had to wait another cycle.

Fast forward to this cycle. I'm on cd31 and thought AF was late, I was even getting excited about maybe being pregnant again on my own (HA! I crack myself up!) and at my u/s today we discover yet ANOTHER big ol' cyst on my right ovary. This time it's only 30mm or so - at least we caught it early? This time, my estrogen level is only 41, but they still think the best way to go is to trigger it and wait for the hag to arrive (hopefully early again!!??!!) so I can get my IVF retrieval in before the lab closes in October for a month to ensure quality control.

So, anyone in the market for a cyst? We've got a blue-light special in aisle 9. I surely don't need them anymore.

Where IS that hag?

So, the acupuncturist felt the same 'maybe' pulse on Wednesday. I decided that as much as I didn't want to see a BFN again, the not knowing was harder. If I'm not pregnant, I just want to spend my energy on getting emotionally and mentally geared up for the IVF. So, I took a test, (Accuclear - which gave me the best faint pink line when my beta was only 6 with the last pregnancy) and it was, of course, BFN. Fine, I'm over that part I think. Except for the fact that I was getting excited about the possibility of NOT needing to do the IVF. But, whatever, I'm gearing up for a successful, predictable cycle.

If AF would just freaking show up already!!!

I'm 15dpo today and my 'usual' LP (luteal phase - 2nd half of my cycle) is 14 days, but I've had 15-16 day LPs, usually on the clomid. I tested one more time this morning, just to be sure, and still BFN, so I know the long LP isn't for the right reason. I'm not disparaging it though too much, I know there are lots of women who would love to have a too-long LP. But the thing is, I can't start my IVF until AF gets here. We're leaving for camping tomorrow and if AF shows tomorrow, I'll have to drive 2 hours to get back to the clinic for cd2 monitoring (ultrasound & bloodwork). It's not the worst thing, but still, it's an interruption to the camping weekend and it would be nice if my stupid body would cooperate once in a while.

Anyone hosting the old hag who wants to send her my way ASAP? I'd be really grateful. Man, that's just weird, asking for a visit from the Red-Headed Witch.

They just don't get it, then again, how could they?

A few months ago, a writer from Glamour magazine posted on one of the message boards I post on asking for women who would be willing to be interviewed for a piece she was writing on infertility and how coverage of celeb pregnancies affects them. I corresponded with Lynn Harris a bit and this week, her article was published.

Well, the comments are starting to come in and one particular comment just couldn't be let go. I just had to respond. You can read all of the comments here.

The comment post that chapped my hide said:

This article got me a little fired up. I understand the difficulty of infertility, but only through the experiences of friends and family members. But this article was absolutey ridiculous. What has our culture come to if women are mad at a pop star for "getting two" babies "when I don't even get one?" Yeah, place the blame on Britany Spears. I'm fortunate to have my son, but the struggles I've faced are just as comparable to the infertile women. I'm a single mom, so I don't go running around blaming celebrities and getting upset that others are married. If Angelina, Britany, and Katie's lives are so worth documenting, then copy them in another way...ADOPT! I'm getting so sick of women acting disabled by not getting pregnant. It doesn't define you, motherhood does. Motherhood can be achieved in other ways. I don't sit here a stew over the fact that I couldn't afford designer maternity clothes or a designer stroller, I was concerned about my child's health and his possibility of having Cerebral Palsey. I still can't believe there was an entire article devoted to celebrity pregnancies. The underlying message of infertility was way more important and should've been addressed in a different way. This seriously just angered me.

What about the percentage of my "type" in our society. The single moms...those who struggle to buy formula, those who haven't seen their friends in weeks, those who haven't slept in weeks, those who think that getting married now can be as hard to obtain as enough money to fly our children all over the world like Angelina. Us single moms don't get these types of articles published where we can vent our frustrations out on others. We all face hard struggles in life, we are all dealt a pretty bad hand at some point. But don't use celebrities and your friends with babies as ammo to fire when you're mad that you can't concieve. Embrace your friends with children and don't buy the magazine with the words "Bump Watch." If anything, look into adopting if Angelina's life seems so fabulous to you.

Here's what I posted in reply:

To the person who posted about how ridiculous this article is, I want to say this. I hope you never have to deal with the struggle of infertility. I am one of the women whom Lynn interviewed for this article and you really just don't get it.

No one said that being pregnant is the ONLY way to become a mother and I know lots of women who have decided to adopt whether or not they ever struggled with infertility. Just because there are children available for adoption doesn't mean that women should be required to choose that path when getting pregnant isn't easy for them.

And no one 'blamed' Britney Spears for having two, they simply expressed their frustration at the fact that she seemingly easily conceived and they did not.

I'm sure your struggles as a single-mom are tough. My sister is a single mother so I've witnessed some of it thru her. I do not pretend to be able to compare my struggles with hers or yours the way you seem to think you can compare your life to that of an infertile woman.
You say you "can't believe there was an entire article devoted to celebrity pregnancies". Have you SEEN the magazines on the newsstands lately? There are practically entire publications devoted to which celebrity is pregnant and who is trying to be. That's the point of this article - that when you are struggling to get pregnant, being constantly reminded about it at the newsstand is hard.

As to the percentage of your type in society, I wouldn't know about that as I haven't experienced it. Perhaps you should send a helpful email to Glamour magazine asking them to feature articles about single mothers? That seems much more fruitful than bashing this article.
My personal opinion is that the most valuable information in this piece is the fact that the focus on celebrity pregnancies gives a false illusion to many women. Younger women who are not yet ready for children look at a lot of celebrity moms and think that they waited into their late 30's and 40's to have a baby and they were able to get pregnant, it's ok for me to wait too. That may be the case, but often those celebrities used donor eggs or other expensive infertility treatments to achieve those pregnancies. The celebrities may not want everyone out there so deep in their business and that's their right, but they could do a real service to others if they chose to talk about it.

If this article spurs one woman to not wait too long and saves her from the struggle of infertility, then I say it was worth every page it was printed on.

Good luck to you and your struggle as a single-mom. I hope that you are able to find support where and when you need it.

So, what do you think?

Summer colds - ACHOO!

So, NSWO (not-so-wee-one) is really getting good at sharing these days. I'm so proud of him, but unfortunately, his sharing has also included a nasty cold virus. Thanks sweetie. I'm so congested right now, but don't want to take anything for it, just in case. You know how that goes right? This happened with my pregnancy with NSWO too. I distinctly remember w/in days of the BFP, I got a nasty cold because I remember commenting to co-workers that now that I couldn't take any of the 'good' cold meds, it was just my luck to get a nasty cold.

On another front, NSWO is doing an amazing job at potty-training. Everyone told me that if you wait until they're truly ready that it will be easy. So far, it appears that's absolutely true in my case. We've only been at this for less than a week, but he hasn't had an accident since Saturday afternoon when he fell asleep in the car on the way to the baseball game. He's even had a dry diaper for the last two mornings!! I'm not counting my chickens yet, but I'm tallying up the eggs.

Waiting sucks - hard

I'm in my 2ww (2 week wait) for my last break cycle before doing IVF. Today is 9dpo (days post ovulation) and my usual luteal phase (2nd half of my cycle) is about 14 days on unmedicated cycles. So, that means I have about a week more before AF should be here or is officially late. By far, the hardest part of the 2ww. You start looking for symptoms of pg or AF's arrival. You check the toilet paper for red. You wonder if it's too early to POAS.

This time it's just a little bit harder. Why? Well, let me step back for a moment and explain a little bit more. I've been seeing an acupuncturist for about 7 months now to help with this whole IF deal. In the TCM (traditional chinese medicine) world, a diagnosis is made partly by feeling the patient's pulses. Not in the western sense, but 3 levels of pulses. The quality of the pulses tells the practioner what is going on with the patient and helps her to understand where the needles need to be placed to bring the patient into a more balanced state. When a patient is pregnant, the pulse takes on a 'slippery' feel to it. When I was pregnant in March, my acupuncturist confirmed that my pulse was "very slippery". In the hellish week between ultrasounds when we were waiting to see if the weak heartbeat we'd seen had improved or was gone (it was gone) she didn't find my pulse to be quite as slippery, although she didn't come right out and say that, bless her.

Ok, fast forward to this week. I went in on Wednesday for my weekly treatment. A few hours before the appointment, I had this thought sort of pop into my head that I should see if she can feel a slippery pulse. No good reason to suspect anything really, but the thought was there, so I honored my 'inner voice' and asked. I think I was wanting her to say that the pulse wasn't slippery so I could relax for the rest of my 2ww, expecting AF and gearing up emotionally for the IVF. What happened was that she felt something, but not clearly slippery. She said it could go either way, but that "something was happening in there". Since the needle placement she was going to do would not be a good idea if I was pg, she tried to see if she could make it more clear by placing a few needles to bring up my Kidney pulse a bit. It was still unclear a bit so to be on the safe side, she opted NOT to do the treatment she had originally planned. We went with a treatment that is good for early pg instead. After the needles had been in for a while, she came back to take them out and check my pulses again to see how I had reacted to the treatment. She commented that things were much stronger, but didn't specifically say the slippery pulse was stronger. BUT, she then asked me if we'd want to know the gender. (In TCM, if the Kidney pulse is stronger on the right, it's a girl, if it's stronger on the left, it's a boy. Not 100% precise, but her stats are more like 85% accuracy - pretty good in my book. And, she was right about the pg in March being a girl, it was confirmed by DNA analysis post D&C.) I said, sure we'll want to know [when I get pg]. Her response was, "if you're pregnant, it's a girl." WHOA! I was fine with the 50/50 chance based on the possible slippery pulse, but this threw me for a loop. How could she think she felt a stronger pulse if there wasn't an embryo in there working on implanting???

See, now my 2ww just got harder because I have to wait another week with this wondering and hoping. I refuse to test early because I never want to see a BFN (big fat NEGATIVE) again, so I want to wait at least until the day AF is due (Thursday/Friday) to test. So, now I wait, and wait, and wait. Waiting sucks - hard.

Oh, man! I hope it's contagious!

So, I post on Fertility Friend's message boards (nickiea) and I belong to a few buddy groups on there. I just found out this afternoon that yet another BG pal is PREGNANT!!!!! Yippee skippy! I can't seem to express in words alone how happy I am that my Buds are getting to see 2 lines on a pregnancy test (well, except Shannon, the dork, still won't POAS!). I feel like the only thing that will express my joy is a Mary Murphy scream! (reference to the awesome show, So You Think You Can Dance)

A small handful of us have started up a little group of gals who are doing IVF around the same time and I'm the last in line to get started. 3 out of 5 of us are pregnant and the 4th finds out in a few days. Oh boy, nothing like pressure on us, eh, Gabby? I sure hope neither of us buck this trend.

Let's keep them coming, ok? Someone's leaving the light on for me, right?

Happy Anniversary to us!

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary, hard to believe it's been that long already.

We went out for a bike ride this morning as a family. Hubby & not-so-wee one on the mountain bike and me on my new cruiser. What a great time! We stopped at the local U-pick berry farm to pick some strawberries, but they didn't survive the ride home very well. Most of them fell out of the box and into the mesh basket. The weight of them pushed the bottom ones thru the mesh and we ended up with half strawberries and half of them as strawberry puree! Oh well, it was worth it for the fun. n-s-wee one kept commenting that we were doing it "as a family!" Very sweet.

So, my best friend in the entire world (save for Hubby) is about 26 weeks pregnant with monoamniotic identical twin girls. Monoamniotic means they are in the same amniotic sac and therefore are at high risk for cord entanglement accidents. She has been in the hospital on strict bedrest for a few weeks now and will be until the girls are delivered - 32 weeks at the latest. It's killing me that I can't fly down there today to be with her and help her thru this tough time. I've got my IVF coming up and need to be here for all the monitoring so it's just not possible. I can't wait to meet her little girls, she's going to be such a great mommy!!

Are we there yet?

It's been over a month since I've posted here, but to my credit, we were out of town for nearly 2 weeks of that, and then got hit with a heat wave (seems the whole country did) and I couldn't stand to have the laptop on my lap pumping out extra heat that long, then we had company and I had to finish up the August newsletter for our local chapter of the MOMS Club (www.momsclub.org). Now that all of that is done, I can finally get back to posting on here.

Before we left for our trip to the NJ shore (beautiful, btw) I was stuck in another long cycle and had not ovulated yet as of cycle day 32 or something so I went in for an ultrasound and they found a 35mm cyst on my right ovary. It was still producing estrogen, so we triggered it just before leaving town in hopes that it would pop and my period would hold off until after we got home so I could start my IVF cycle, finally. Well, my guess is that the cyst was no longer functional (producing estrogen) by the time I triggered it with the hCG injection and my period ambushed me early while in NJ. That means that I have to wait out yet another cycle before starting my IVF. I'm happy to report that I think I did ovulate on time this cycle, so now I'm only about 2 weeks away from starting the madness called In-Vitro Fertilization. Yippee!!!

Other good news, my tests for autoimmune disorders, clotting disorders, and thyroid levels all came back normal!! Yea!!!!!! This means, no extra injections of heparin, but it also leaves the question of why I lost this last pregnancy unanswered. I'm ok with that though, it's nice to know that we've checked things out and everything seems to be ok. Now, we just have to hope that I can make enough eggs to give us a good shot with this IVF. So, are we there yet?